A letter from evil
"Those are my principles.
If you don´t like them,
I have others."
This Spam-Mail parody is dedicated to George W Bush. Thank God for that man! Writers all over the world - all kinds of writers - should fall to their knees and praise him. That "Axis of Evil" speech where he reinvented Evil was a stroke of pure genious. The world has become so much easier to describe now that everything is back to black and white again. Not to mention how much easier it has become to live in. Who needs to bother about the hamsterwheels of cause and effect when Evil´s around to explain those spikes in the flat tires?
Mors lilla Olle!
Did I get that right? It´s supposed to mean "Hi little Olle" but my swedish might be a little rusty. Anyway, I´m writing you this personal letter to let you know that YOU HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED AS A HONORARY SCHOLARSHIP STUDENT at Florida State University of Ultimate Evil and Pesky Annoyances in Enron County, Florida, USA.
We welcome you to join us at the beginning of next semester for a rewarding five year period of Evil Studies. This SPECIAL SCHOLARSHIP that we have granted you includes FREE lectures, FREE books, FREE copying, FREE from rent quarters in one of the 666 secret rooms at the secret dorm in our secret underground base, FREE sex with fellow students and three hours a week of mandatory computer programming for a well known company in the Seattle area. Some formers students have complained about that last mandatory part but bear in mind that THIS SCHOLARSHIP also WILL FREE YOU from the boring task of self-financing your Evil Studies by stripclub dancing, mugging bums, robbing banks or making rap music albums.
Your first year as a honorary SCHOLARSHIP student will give you a foundation for even more Evil Studies later on. There are seats RESERVED FOR YOU in the following classes: Ancient Evil 101, Modern Evil 101, Bloody Evil 101, Axes of Evil 101 and Public Highschool Management 101.
If you´re interested in Evil Rhetorical Techniques we also urge you to quickly SIGN UP FOR classes and maybe even our Debate Team tryouts. Beware though that competition is fierce and that the school team - The Evil Lying Bastards - have won THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP seven times since former student and later to be president Tricky Dick lead us to our first victory many years ago.
Less competative is the Hymning Kind of Medieval Evil being performed by our INTERNATIONALLY REPUTED Death-To-America Choir. It has become very popular during the last years, gives performances worldwide, have FREE TRAVELLING thanks to Evil Sponsors like the United Nations Budget Committee, TV-Guide Inc and the Al-Qaida Worldwide Au-Pair Network. (Though I feel obliged to warn you that accommodations can sometimes be a bit primitive). Joining the Choir can be done ANY TIME DURING YOUR SCHOLARSHIP YEARS here at Florida State University of Ultimate Evil and Pesky Annoyances. (Except for the weeks of the yearly European Song Contest). We don´t hesitate to point out that Choir membership also is a great way to get into the student community Legions of Evil and learn how to protest against globalization and multinationalism together with FELLOW STUDENTS FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD. And as if that wasn´t enough the Choir can also OPEN UP ECONOMIC OPPORTUNITIES FOR YOU. Former members of the Death-To-America Choir are now cashing in massive royalties thanks to hits like "Burn, burn, burn the flag", "Kill, Kill, Kill, Kill" and "Ooops, I did it again".
If you should desire to get deeper involved with issues of student politics - or just DESIRE to spend your weekends doing Unneccessary Mindless Beer-Related Evil - we recommend you to apply for membership in one of OUR THREE FRATERNITIES; Lambda Larceny Arsony, Alpha Anthrax Al-Qaida and Tri-Pie Porno. Together they form their own Axis of Evil and THEY CAN WORK FOR YOU as great steppstones if your mind is set on getting into Nationwide Politics when your Evil Studies here at Florida State University of Ultimate Evil and Pesky Annoyances are through. Applying for membership can be done ANYTIME during your Evil Studies.
Finally, and in a deeply personal note, I would like to point out that WE ARE OFFERING YOU THIS SCHOLARSHIP because we can sense some tremendous potential in you, young Evildoer! The video you sent us of a day in your life at Public School in Sweden displayed some talent for Evil Extraordinaire. We´re really impressed by the way you bullied your classmates in the schoolyard, the way you threw your free meal through a window, the way you chased that substitute down a corridor and hit him with a hammer, the way you called your teacher a "nagging ho" right to her face, the way you and your friends dragged a seventh grade girl into one of the toilets for some STUDENT-ORGANIZED SEX-EDUCATION and the way you lifted a fourth-grader out through an open window and dropped him into a wastebasket on the ground three floors below.
The fact that you missed the wastebasket was the one thing that IMPRESSED us the most. The one thing that we saw as the final PROOF of your Evil Potential. If you have watched enough television - and I´m sure you have because othervise you wouldn´t have been able to reach your current Level of Evil - you know that the average Evil Supervillian can´t hit a good guy even with a thousand shots, the Sahara Desert with a missile on a clear day, or his own arse with a sheet of paper. Therefore a true Evil Talent such as yourself shouldn´t be able to hit a wastebasket like that on first attempt. It was an ASTOUNDING display. We here at Florida State University of Ultimate Evil and Pesky Annoyances became truly impressed.
Once again LET ME CONGRATULATE YOU TO YOUR HONORARY SCHOLARSHIP. We have listed you as potentially the most promising candidate in several years and we´re looking forward to learning more ourselves about your early years of Malignant Juvenile Evil. Speaking of which; How on Earth did you manage to pass through the Swedish schoolsystem´s Nine Grades of Inferno in only Nine years? Without ever passing examining levels in one single topic and never once being expelled? Truly ANOTHER AMAZING ACCOMPLISHMENT. One Swedish School Minister once told us (most of them are former students here at Florida State University of Ultimate Evil and Pesky Annoyances) that they were going to transform the Swedish School System so that accomplishments like that would be possible, but we never thought that she would actually succeed, we took it as a joke. If it wasn´t, and you´re just the first to graduate as THE TOP OF YOUR CLASS like this, I must urge you to take advantage of this scholarship offering as quickly as possible because if the Swedish School System continues to deliver Evil Talents like yourself we might have to redraw the offer. It´s currently valid for FIVE YEARS OF FREE STUDIES here at Florida State University of Ultimate Evil and Pesky Annoyances but as for accepting and signing up it´s only valid this summer and for the forthcoming semester.
I hope to hear back from you real soon. DON´T MISS OUT ON THIS GREAT OPPORTUNITY to learn how to do more Evil before 09.00 than petty sinners do all day. DONT MISS OUT ON THIS CHANCE OF A LIFETIME to become a Know-How Creator of malignant bowel movements in the collective subconsciousness of post-millenial, pre-apocalyptic 21:th century society.
If you sign up within ten days WE WILL ALSO GIVE YOU AN ADDITIONAL Black Supervillian Cape with our logo, the school motto "Carpe Diem, Carpe Homo, Kickum Rectum" (seize the day, seize the french, kick some ass) and a Coloured Large Text Baddy-Name Headline of your own FREE CHOISE printed on it.
Ifilytoyo Sosumi - Dean at Florida State University of Ultimate Evil and Pesky Annoyances.
PS. If we here at Florida State University of Ultimate Evil and Pesky Annoyances should manage to destroy the Western Civilization and bring on an end to the world as we know it before the start of next semester you will get all the money back that you might have had to spend to settle down here and join us. Just make sure to keep all your receipts and you´ll get a full tax refund from our partners over at the IRS. DS.
© Peter Andersson 2002