Crazy ass battle droid, lasers my hemorrhoids


"My wife and I are great communicators. I communicate clearly, she communicates loudly. Together we communicate loud and clear."
This parody song is a piece of Star Wars fanfic. The title (which I couldn't resist) is not quite representative, because it's actually kind of a sad love story where our protagonist stormtrooper/Romeo goes AWOL with his beloved android/Juliet during some kerfuffle aboard a Death Star, but it turns out in the dark he heisted the wrong droid.

We took off from our Death Star one night
Darth Vader would choke us I feared
Pay was a shoestring, we crammed an old x-wing
And then we just both disappeared
I'd fell in love but the dark light was on
I'd been horny and I misjudged my bride
I thought she's the one, but when she was turned on
I just had to stand down for the night

I ran off with a battle droid, thought she was android
All-purpose sexbots I blame
I forced back my cursing, cos there's no reversing
If I couldn't please her I'd go down in flames

No more a-marching around in old spaceports
Mos Eisley was the worst that I'd been
Seeking assistance to hide out much better
Forced me to go back there again
At some moisture farm we stayed and laid low
Cos I couldn't jab well with the Hutts
They sent a Rancor, but my lady spanked her
She wheeled in, and man she kicked butt!

I'm in love with my battle droid, she can have me destroyed
I am a robowhipped man
Our love was sure unplanned, but now with her helping hands
To stay on the ground's my retirement plan

We're raiding the Tuskens for contraband moonshine
Their breath kinda smells like methane
Lightyears away from the Gungans and Bothans
So we trade with the Jawas instead
We're free in the eye of beholders
And this now is where we belong
There's two moons in the sky, and from sand rot I'll die
With my clone trooper warranty gone

Now my crazy ass battle droid, lasers my hemorrhoids
Old age is changing some things
Since I started squeaking and I started leaking
She's keeping me up with her med-kit syringe
My aim is so bad that I'm missing the ring
Sarlacc Pit Hospice feels no longer fringe

© Peter Andersson 2018