Free Falling (Gandalf and
the Balrog)



"I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it."
Somewhere inside the intellectual Bermuda Triangle of literature professors, HBT activists and, ahem, the worldwide parodist community, there's a popular belief that there's a subtext to Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings" where Frodo and Sam got it going on. Yeah right, who came up with that theory first, Michael Jackson? It should be obvious to more naked eyes than Sauron's all-seeing one that the only hidden/hinted queer relationship is the one between the hot Balrog and Gandalf! The Balrog may have been the one with the SM whip but when they met it was love at first sight and Gandalf went into serious dominatrix mode ("you cannot pass, I order you") during foreplay. Seconds later they were in free fall clinch and "wrestled" for hours, until the Balrog was banged to death! Poor thing, it was probably just looking for a good staff job...

It's a Balrog, breeding in fire
hoofed genus, and in Moria glows
He's a wizard, fluent in Elvish
Loves smokin' and them halflings too

It's a long way travellin' to Mordor
There's a shortcut runnin' through the mines
Is he a bad boy, when he's bridging to cuss her?
Is it a bad girl for gawkin' like kids?

Now they're free, free fallin'
Yeah they're free, free fallin'

And a wizard livin' through such dally
Turns white du-ring turnabout to score
See, all the bad orcs are hiding in the shadows
Aragorn hurls as relation takes start

Now they're free, free fallin'
Yeah they're free, free fallin'

Hay rollin', when they're free fallin', yes, they're...
Hay rollin', and it's appalling, yes queer...

It's gonna snug up during the fall and
He's gonna nibble its ear in the sky
Got a stiff staff ready for lovin'
Gonna (censored) its tail for a while

As they're free, free fallin'...

Repeat chorus ad nausea

© Peter Andersson 2005