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Grrrl´s night out © PETER ANDERSSON BONUS QUOTE: "If a man speaks in the forest and there´s no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?" UNKNOWN |
1: What´s a girl to do? She was a short woman. No more than three and a half feet tall and dressed in a mostly green outfit that immediately would have caught the Little Green Man´s attention through a crowded room. But the room wasn´t crowded. And LGM wasn´t there. Catching attention however was the subject of the conversation. And she wasn´t happy with the average behaviour of the members of the opposite sex: "Men!" she said. "Men! They´re only interested in one thing. It doesn´t matter who you are or what you have to say or what you have done to your hair. They only look at one thing!" "I know" said Chia Rhino, trying hard to restrain a giggle. "I know." "I think I will have to sit down" said Sesspit, already laughing inbetween words. "I mean it" said the little woman as she continued. "I litterally mean it. It´s almost impossible to keep face to face contact when their eyes start drifting downwards. What´s a girl to do?" "Damned if I know." Chias face was beginning to break up. Sesspit continued to laugh beside her as she was placing herself on the floor. Only the former Borg drone EofS on her other side seemed to find the ongoing conversation irrelevant. "I was at this barnraising dance the other night" said the woman. "And all the men there totally ignored me. And I didn´t exactly hide myself in a corner. I participated in square dancing and ring dances and conga lines and everything. But when they started playing ballads at the end of the evening I wasn´t asked up on the dance floor once. Not once!" "Mmmm..." Chia had to bit her lip. Sesspit hid her laughter in both hands. They could both see where this was going. EofS couldn´t but she nodded in an attempt to show that she had understood the problem. That encouraged the little woman to put even more emotion into her argument. "I don´t wanna have to do surgery to get men to notice me" she said. "It´s just this one little thing that I don´t have. This one little thing on the whole package. It shouldn´t be so important. But that´s all they judge us by, isn´t it? I look as good as anyone else except for that. My face is more than fine. I take good care of my hair. And my boobs are as big and firm and round as anyone elses." Chia lost it. Sesspit was rolling on the floor in uncontrollable spasms of laughter. Even Chimera herself was making giggly noises. "Let her say it, please let her say it." Chia tried to adress Chimera and at the same time tried to compose herself. Sesspit was still flat out on the floor. "We´re dying here." "Sure you can handle it?" Chimeras own giggle eased down to a wide smile on her face. "Bring it on, for God´s sake, bring it on." Sesspit´s voice could be heard from somewhere inside the corona of hair that now surrounded her head. Chimera pushed a button on the pad in her hand and the hollowdeck simulation of The Shire restarted. The little Hobbit woman picked up where she had been paused. "So it´s just this one thing I don´t have. The main physical feature for a woman around here as it seems and there´s nothing I can do about it." She paused for a moment and then continued. "I don´t have hairy feet!!! There, I said it. I don´t have hairy feet. Not like the other girls. I never had to comb them. They´re almost as smooth as an android´s behind." Sesspit lost it again and a second later Chia joined her in her rolling over the hollowdeck floor laughing and spasming. Chimera pushed another button on her padd and sat the sentence "I don´t have hairy feet!" on endless reply. Sesspit twitched a muscle in her stomach but keept rolling. "I think I´ll have to visit the R U Sick?Bay." She moaned and pressed her side as she eventually tried to get up. "What did you say you were going to call this new hollowdeck program?" Chia was already back up. "Sex & the Shire" said Chimera. She grabbed Sesspit by her left arm and made a sign to Chia to grab the other. They helped her up and she put an arm around each of them for support as the three of them with Sesspit limping in the middle headed for the exit. The door opened and closed behind them and EofS was left alone with the repeatedly complaining little Hobbit woman. She watched her as she contemplated why she hasn´t been able to follow this - as her conclusions lead her to believe - joke about human behaviour. She wasn´t a Borg drone any more, but that once implemented cerebral programming that made Borg society sexless was still making it impossible for her to understand conversations regarding relations between men and women. "I´ll have to deal with this" she said to the looping projection for no other reason than because it was still there. "I know both e of Pi and the Captain would call it unethical but I´ll have to deal with this." Differing emotions tore through her mind as she kept thinking of the audio-enhancing bioneural chip that e of Pi in secret confidence between drones had entrusted her with. It was experimental, he had just gotten it when he left the collective, and it had made it possible for him to listen in on secure channel conversations onboard the USS Sevilia. When he had realised that he had gotten addicted to listening in on Chia Rhino he had removed it himself and asked EofS to take care of it so that it wouldn´t be misused. Because, as he had said, "You can be trusted not to misuse this. You´re reliable. We all know that." "But I don´t know what they know" she said. "I don´t know what the purpose was of this program. And I don´t know... I don´t know what I don´t know. And that´s unacceptable." She left the hollowdeck in a Borglike and efficient way. The Hobbit woman kept telling the walls about her lack of feethair until auto shutdown programming kicked in some 47 minutes later. 2: Hidden truths: The audio-enhancing bioneural chip was a small tube-shaped nanotech-stacked thingie. After having read the instruction were it was stated that "Plenty of earwax will facilitate the installation", "Plenty of cooling paste will make more tolerable the unavoidable excess of general bull and hot air you´re about to receive" and "Back-up functions and swapfile can, if desired, be powered by normal levels of Borg oral galvanism", EofS carefully slided it into her right ear. After a few seconds of dramatic tension a little click was heard as it autoconnected with the rest of her Borg cerebral implants. She then walked around her quarters for a while, familiarized herself with her new piece of hardware and how to manouvre it through its bioneural interface. Luckily it wasn´t that hard and since e of Pi had also left a Favourites List among the software files she actually got started much faster than she had anticipated. Placing herself comfortable in an easy-chair she then begun listening in with more intent on secret channel conversations she hoped would help her understand human and sevilian behaviour better. Unfortunatelly nothing much was going on but after browsing for a while she found what seemed to be a diologue between Leander and Th´kya. "I diddely-doodeli love you. Whattelly diddely-doodeli dojo fink´bout dat?" "And I diddely-doodeli love you too. Whattelly diddely-doodeli dojo fink´bout dat?" "And I diddely-doodeli love you three. Whattelly diddely-doodeli dojo fink´bout dat?" "And I diddely-doodeli love you four. Whattelly diddely-doodeli dojo fink´bout dat?" "And I diddely-doodeli love you five. Whattelly diddely-doodeli dojo fink´bout dat?" She carefully listened and tried to understand as they kept repeating the same phrase and worked their way up to "I diddely-doodeli love you 47", only interrupted by a couple of "I could do this all night" and a very strange squeaking buzz that sometimes overpowered and blocked out the words. Finally it became so irritating that she left them and instead tapped in on a secret conversation that had just been opened between the R U Sick?Bay and Captain WooHoo. "So, in your opinion as a professional, you recommend that I releave LGM of command until we get back to Sevfleet Psychobabble Research Foundation, where his condition can be examined further?" "In my opinion - as a professional - I recommend we straight-jacket the son-of-a-beach, lock him in a rubber room, sevdate him heavily, and when he wakes up, if he wakes up, we'll handle him over to qualified professionals that hopefully can treat his case of severe trauma." "Right...", there was a break in the conversation as WooHoo was searching for the right words. "And what kind of trauma might that be?" "Well, his fixation with green is a clear display of an oppressed baby-poo phase, and in my opinion - as a professional - I recommend we straight-jacket the son-of-an-orch and..." "Wait!" There was another break before WooHoo carefully started over. "You know, I´ll have to talk this through with first officer Anubis before I do anything. Just to get a second opinion to go with your professional opinion. Can this wait ´til tomorrow?" "No it can´t! And you shouldn´t do that. Anubis is not very balanced at the moment. For example, all that constant lurking in the shadows is a clear display of an oppressed birth experience trauma and a longing for the unconscious safety in his mothers womb. And all that anger and violence towards Pukemons is a clear display of an oppressed upbringing. In my opinion - as a professional - I recommend we straight-jacket the son-of-a-jackal and..." "But we ALL hate the Pukemons! Well, except for lieutenant ThunderDragon." "Yes, I´m glad you brought that up. In his case I think it´s an oppressed childhood libido and in my opinion - as a professional - I recommend we straight-jacket the son-of-an-Enron CEO, sevdates him heavily and lock him up in a rubber room until further measures can be taken. As for the rest of you, I think it is some sort of oppressed sibling rivalty. In my opinion - as a professional - I recommend we straight-jacket each and every son-of-a-PHB, lock you all up, and..." "Right... Right... But who will run the ship if everyone amongst the officers are straight-jacketed?" "Well, anyone mad enough to boldy go where noone has gone before is obviously suffering from an oppressed childhood mother-baby separating trauma. In my opinon - as a professional..." "Wait! Hold it right there! You know nurse James, I think all that commotion between you and the PoingyHaired Bosses at Sevfleet Psychobabble Research Foundation has been a bit straining for you. Maybe you should have a shore leave or a new assignment or something. I´m sending down Corsair and a couple of guys to temporarily relieve you off duty so that you can have a well deserved rest. Please comply and go with them when they arrive."
"You know, those security officers and all their excessive wagging with guns is clearly a sign of oppressed penile angst and size trauma. In my opinion as a..." "James! Do I have to stress that this is a Captains order?" "No Captain. I understand, but I gotta go now, someone else wants in on this line, it might be a psychological emergency!" "Now listen James..." "I´ll get back to you later Captain. 24/7 out." Another voice replaced WooHoo´s. Filled with moans and groans it gave away that this new speaker was in great pain. "You gotta help me 24/7! You gotta help me now! Please, it hurts." "Are you in egg-laying labour again Naraht?" "Yes! Yes I am! I´m a Horta and the most prolific Sevilian. Of course I´m in egg-laying labour again. And you gotta help me. Aaaaaaarrrrggg! The pain! The pain!" "You know Nick, this is getting tiresome, this time you gonna have to give me the name of this girlfriend of yours that keeps knocking you up all the time. In my opinion as a..." "I´m a hermaphrodite, you moron!" "Right, right, you are. In that case I must poing out that you´re spending far to much quality time with your own custard chucker. If this doesn´t stop I might have to recommend to the Captain that you should be straigh-jacketed, sevdated, locked up in a rubber room and..." "You hate me! You all hate me! I wanna talk to Dr Chris!" The conversation was abruptly broken and replaced with what sounded to be security officers shouting and at least a couple of persons wrestling. EofS decided that she had gotten enough insight into normal sevilian behaviour for one day, turned the new bio-neural chip off by will and placed herself in the regenerating pod for a couple of hours of well deserved sleep. 3: To squeak or not to squeak: As days passed EofS learned more and more about human and sevilian behaviour. Having a free position on the ship, she also spent more time together with some of the other girls whenever Chimera said that she needed a bunch of Beta-testers for a new feature in her Lord-of-the-Rings scenario on the hollowdeck. Most of the time that was a pretty harmless activity and a lot of fun. Except maybe for that one time when Chimera swapped the files that supplied cultural behaviour and collective subconscious to the Hobbits with those of the Orchs. The peaceful barnraising party they were expecting seemed to turn into a cannibalistic human barbeque and it wasn´t until Chimera loosened herself from her bonfire pole and shouted "April Fools" they all realised that safety protocols had been on the whole time. On the rest of the ship things went on as normal. Nurse 24/7 had been temporarily relieved of duty with no official explanation given. Naraht the Horta was caught selling his highly hallucinogenic eggs as afrodisiac to Robwood and an exhausted Leander, but claimed that the three of them had all been framed. Some ensigns left on away missions and were never seen again. Pukemons kept on having fatal accidents whenever they stuck their heads outside of the xenobiology lab, and sometimes when ThunderDragon was asleep - and Anubis not - they also had fatal accidents inside the xenobiology lab. The ship itself was routinely attacked a couple of times a day by Klingoffs or Wrongulans or the TaliBorgs, but usually everything was settled in time for spamsupper in the messhall. Time went on and EofS kept spending bigger and bigger chunks of her days listening in on secret conversations around the ship. She hadn´t told even e of Pi yet that she had installed the chip, but was slowly growing conscious of the fact that she had become as addicted as he had once been. She promised herself, several times, that she was just gonna listen in on Leander and Th´kya one more time. Just one more time. "I diddely-doodeli miss you. Whattelly diddely-doodeli dojo fink´bout dat?" "And I diddely-doodeli miss you too. Whattelly diddely-doodeli dojo fink´bout dat?" "And I diddely-doodeli miss you three. Whattelly diddely-doodeli dojo fink´bout dat?" "And I diddely-doodeli miss you four. Whattelly diddely-doodeli dojo fink´bout dat?" "And I diddely-doodeli miss you five. Whattelly diddely-doodeli dojo fink´bout dat?" She was just about to browse for something else when she realised that something wasn´t right. The squeaking buzz that almost always accompanied conversations between Leander and Th´kya when they were in the same room was there and as loud as ever. But it shouldn´t be, because according to the content of the conversation the two of them were in different locations. EofS had come to believe that she knew what was causing it, but suddenly that theory didn´t match what she was hearing. She tapped her combadge. "Computer. Locate lieutenant Leander and lieutenant Th´kya." "Lieutenant Leander is on the bridge. Lieutenant Th´kya is in her quarters." "Computer. Please Confirm that the two of them are in separate locations." "Confirmed. Lieutentant Leander is..." "Thank you." She tapped the combadge a second time and cut off her communication with Majel. After a few seconds she changed her mind and tapped the combadge again. "Computer. Identify squeaking noise that interferes with transmission between bridge and Th´kya´s quarters." "Unable to comply. Transmission is sent on secured channel. Access denied." EofS got frustrated. She knew that something was very wrong. "Computer. Analyse squeaking noise to determine source of origin." "Unable to comply. Access denied." "Dammit Majel!" She got angry and kicked the wall but then she realised the power she had gotten from all her listening in on secrets. It would be unethical to use it, but it would also probably do the trick. After a few seconds of contemplating the pros and cons and risks of getting caught she decided to go on. "Computer. Identify and analyze squeaking noise. Authority code: WooHoo. Spoon. 47. Northern Lights. Sour-Baltic-Herring. Yellow. Snow. Scooter." "Squeaking noise identified as error 4047: Unknown transmission overlapping official secret transmission. Unknown kind of code in use. Duplex transmission originating from unknown sources. One of which comes from outside the ship." "And the other?" "Analyzing now, stand by. Analyzing now, stand by. Transmission has been aborted. Analyze incomplete. Internal poing of origin narrowed down to death row subcorridor 47, lower decks, ensigns quarters." "What ensign?" "Unable to comply. Insufficient data. Ensigns don´t stay in the same quarters long enough to get a fixed listing in the computer archives." "I´ll have to sneak down and see for myself then. In the meantime I order you to divert energy to Codebreaker Unimatrix and decode unknown transmission. Use no more than 0,47% of warpedcore output though. Can you decode it before I´m back?" "Unable to calculate necessary time. Insufficient data. But I´ll try." "Thank you Majel." She left the room and headed for the ensigns quarters after first having turned back once and ordered Majel to order all the ensigns to a memorial service in Ten Forward, just to ensure that they were out of the way. (And it was probably a couple of memorials scheduled anyway so no harm done). What she found behind one of the doors in death row subcorridor 47 made her feel very uncomfortable. When she got back up and saw the contents of the transmissions that Majel by then had successfully decoded the feeling got worse. A major doggone crisis was about to jump legs of the USS Sevilia and it was suddenly up to her to decide whether it should be petted, domesticated or castrated. 4: The show must go on: EofS realized she needed help. The situation was too dangerous to be dealt with by one girl alone. Or one drone alone for that matter. She nervously tapped her combadge again. "Computer, give me a secure video channel to e of Pi." After a few seconds of delay his face appeared on the screen. There was pearls of sweat on his forehead. "Yes?" he said. "Hi e! It´s E! I need your help. It´s important. Can you spare a few minutes?" "Maybe later, but not right now, we´re in a spam shortage crisis and there´s chaos up here. The whole backup a la carté smorgasboard is falling through. The dyslexic cow has delivered some ´klim´, whatever that is, and the dyslexic woc suddenly had a flush in the pan. The baskets of grapes for the vegetarians have turned into caskets in graves, and that´s really weird if you ask me, even for a dyslexopedia joke. Severything´s going wrong and somehow I still have to have dinner ready before all the redshirted ensigns gets back from that concert they´re at. I promised Anubis a feast! You´ll have to wait!" "What concert?" said EofS, wondering what had happened to her fake order about mandatory presence at yet another standard memorial service. "I´ll help you later, I´ll explain then, e of Pi out", his voice disappeared and the screen went blank. EofS sat quiet for a few moments, wondering what to do next, and then turned to Majel for help. "Computer, is there some sort of concert being held somewhere in the redshirted ensigns quarters?" "No, but there´s a concert about to start on the hollowdeck and all the redshirts are currently being gathered there on request from first officer Anubis." "Why?" "Anubis and The Great Wizzard are trying to boost redshirt morale by throwing a special concert in their honour. The songs performed will all be so called Golden Oldies, but with new and bettered and more suitable lyrics. Also, TGW has added new skins again to K1chyd´s appearance files so that he can be the lead singer during the concert. For the first number he´s about to be Natalie Cole doing a cover of an old Bruce Sevsteen song." "Natalie Cole? Why?" "Well. For one the producers thought this eppy needed a black character in the second trailer and this bit will probably be it. For two K1chyd himself has promised that he would do a liveshow onstage female layout performance in this eppy. And for three the real Natalie Cole once covered Bruce Sevsteen´s ´Pink Cadillac´ and K1chyd himself has rewritten it as ´Red ensign shirt´. Do you wanna look in on the concert now? Arachnia´s pre-show has just ended and it´s about to really get started." "Why would I wanna do that?" "Well, if you don´t it will be a very dull trailer, featuring just you sitting alone looking at your viewscreen thinking about who else you could ask for help." "So what?" "So why not? And besides, the almighty writer of this eppy has decided that you don´t really have a choice." Her viewscreen turned itself back on and something looking like a MTV-Video of a live performance came on. EofS found that she couldn´t take her eyes of it. The audience was crowded with ecstatic redshirts. Flashing lights were everywere. The volume was at least 47 decibels to high to be healthy and on stage was a black female singer that obviously must be K1chyd. She grabbed the mike and the volume was toned down. "Hallo Sevilia! Hallo Redshirts! Are you ready to Rock ´n´ Roll? Are you ready to Red ´n´ Roll?" The crowd began to shout like a pack of hungry targs. K1chyd/Cole formed a ´time out´ sign with both hands and continued the pretalk. "If I could offer you only one advice for the future, SevSpace would be it!" K1chyd/Cole looked out over the crowd and tried to keep them in suspense. "But that one comes later. Right now we´re gonna steam you up with a song called ´Red ensign shirt´. R… U… Ready?" They screamed again. The artist formerly known as K1chyd made a sign to Anubis and TGW who both were standing behind the backstage control console. They were ready with the playback file and signed back. He/She/It grabbed the mike harder and started rotating its pelvis like a canine in heat as it entered the first words: You may think I´m narfish "I guess this will go on for a while" said EofS. "Even the female ensigns seems pretty ecstatic." "Yes, and there´s still 46 rewritten covers remaining." "Such as?" "Queen´s: Another one bites the dust - NOT!, Nirvana´s: Smells like Sev Spirit, Brittney Spearsä ´s: Miss me baby one more time, Led Zeppelin´s: Stairway to Seven and Ozzy Ozbourne´s: Denial." "Denial what?" "Nothing, you heard me wrong" said Majel with a voice that was suddenly blurred by massive amounts of paddling noises, sounding like they came from somewhere in the background. "All right, let´s drop the subject. By now we must have milked enough puns out of it anyway and I´m still in need of help with this. Let´s see, e of Pi is busy, Anubis is busy and so is TGW and K1chyd. Is there anyone that´s not busy?" "No, everyone is busy and not to be disturbed." "Really? Give me some examples." "Well. [Sev]-Dummy has transcended out of his body again and left no message regarding his time of rearrival. Robwood and Dave the Explosive Newt are both busy assisting lieutenant ThunderDragon. According to the xenobiology lab log they are cataloging some new alien biology movies that Robwood purchased during a shore leave; ´Buttugly swamptoads in heat´ and ´Digimon does Dallas´. The rest are busy in LGM´s quarters, watching Sevday night Aussie rules football while testing out and labeling wine bottles." "The girls too?" "You didn´t ask about the girls." "I asked for anyone, didn´t I?" "Sorry then, since big parts of this eppy is about male chauvinism and stuff like that I figured you wanted me to adapt and not to take notice of their existence?" "Well, you figured wrong! And if you wanna keep your harddrive in one piece you better tell me were the girls are. Right now!" "Well, they are all busy painting their toenails and fingernails. Some are sitting watching soap-operas like ´Days of our clones´, ´Narfbours´ and ´The poinged and the sevtiful´. The rest are reading make-up catalogues or brushing their hair. Sesspit is using her hairbrush as an imagined microphone and are dancing around in front of her mirror singing karaoke to the tune of Beastie Boys ´You gotta fight for your right to party´." "Open up a channel to them right now. All of them. Tell them... tell them... tell them..." The computer gave her a suggestion about what to tell them. She saw how that would be efficient and agreed. It opened up channels and told them. 5: All men play on Ten: Five minutes later every female officer and assigned female character onboard the ship had arrived in EofS quarters. They had brought bottles of both red and white wine that were already opened and placed on a table in the living room. Chocolate candybars were everywere, as appearing out of thin air, and a copy of ´The man who could talk to horses´ had been put in the VCR. Someone had even brought a pink teddybear with a big red heart on its cheast. And the lights had been dimmed to create a moody atmosphere. "So, you have men-trouble" said WooHoo. "Who´s the lucky guy and what can we do to help you bait the trap?" "Or…" said Sesspit. "If it´s Robwood, what can we do to help you fence him off!" "I´m sorry" said EofS, who had been quiet until then, just meeting her guests at the door and showing them in. "But this is not about me. It´s about ensign Gullible. Ensign Vera Gullible. She´s gotten herself an online boyfriend in another dimension and as a former Borg without experience in this field I´m not really qualified to help her. It would be irrational to try on my own so I need your help. And it´s urgent. The computer suggested asking in that way." "Is he cute?" said Th´kya. "Is he tall and dark and strong?" said Mary Dee. "Is he a Flämtisex Arton?" said Nemesisä, with a weird triple entendre pun targeting mainly the Swedish readers. "Does he have hairy feet?" said Sesspit and they all started to giggle.
"Actually" said Eofs, "It´s not what he has or what he is. It´s what he´s not. And what he´s not is what he´s giving himself out to be. I found out about this because I stumbled onto some transmissions between the USS Sevilia and another dimension. Those transmissions I then tracked back to their source. (She carefully avoided to mention why and how she had found those transmissions). Once inside their computers I used some Borg decrypting algorithms and took a look around just to see what kind of alien he was." "And what did you find?" said Starseneyes. "Please tell us that he´s one of those mysterious H´&sumuhnks that are rumored to be somewhere out there!" "Sorry, no H´&sumuhnks I´m afraid. No, I found that he´s the Top Dawg for a race calling themselves the Noodybaarsb. He´s been sending a form of hypnotic subliminal messages they themselves refere to as Ajcudlavjos all over the multiverse in hope of getting young girls from technologically advanced civilisations to call back. If they do the Noodybaarsbarians begin exchanging messages with the sole purpose of getting the girls to build a oneway, onetime, afterwards selfdestructing interdimensional portal and come over to their side. As Top Dawg he´s the one writing first contact invitations to girls from dimensions they haven´t exploited before, or not exploited very succesfully. Ensign Vera Gullible have already received the schematics and almost finished building a portal in her quarters. Hence the urgency." EofS paused briefly but began again almost immediately while the others were still taking in all this new information. "In that alien computer I also found that he´s been having the same kind of conversation with a lot of other females in a lot of other dimensions at the same time as trying to lure ensign Gullible. As it seems, this is the main cultural evil of the Noodybaarsbarians, and they are very good at it." She turned around and activated her personal viewscreen. "I´m gonna show you what it´s like in their dimension. I have downloaded pictures and documents and even some live broadcasts. But I´m warning you, this is not another teen movie." She pressed the ON-button and pictures started rolling. Half an hour later Sesspit became the first to speak again without using seething expletives, or at least almost without. "Well, I don´t mind so much about that part of them being a bunch of scumbag aliens hunting for female slaves. After all, alien scumbagging is their job and without scumbagging aliens plotting against us all the time we´d be out of ours. But that part about him flirting with hundreds of other girls makes me mad! That´s against the universal rules of dating! We should punish this guy! Punish him Bad!!" She snapped her arm in the air as with an imagined whip and was so upset that she didn´t even noticed that one of her lashes had fallen off. Tension in the room rose as they all voiced some sort of agreement to that. A wine bottle was knocked over and fell from the table. Candybars disappeared in a way that made bloodsugar levels rise to Poopsi Cola coffeine levels. Someone suggested a punishment along the lines of lemonade shower and anthill burial. Before anyone (least of all the writer of this eppy) could explain how the decision had been made, they were all on their way to the portal in ensign Gullible´s room. 6: Techno shit from any buddy!
A couple of minutes later they arrived at redshirt´s quarters on lower decks. And it was just in a Naraht of time too. Having left the concert to keep working on the interdimensional portal ensign Gullible was just about finished. Only a few screws and nuts away from being able to connect and go through to the other side. At first she thought the presence of so many officers had something to do with her disobeying orders and not being at the hollowdeck, but WooHoo took command and quickly gave her a short explanation of the situation. EofS opened a viewscreen and downloaded the same material as the rest of them had just been watching back in her quarters and Gullible broke down in tears as the situation and the documents were displayed to her. Mary Dee, Sesspit, Gizmo and Chia Rhino tried to comfort her while the rest, under WooHoo´s command, took a closer look at the portal. "I can finish this in five minutes" said EofS. "All I need is a couple of bolts, a BFH and a connection to the ships power supply." "Looks like she did a pretty darn good job" said Chimera. "I mean, considering the fact that she has been working in secret and mostly with materials not meant for this kind of technology." "This wooden lever that substitutes for a stand-by power setting seems very efficient" said EofS. "It also doubles as a dead-girls grip for the self-destruct mechanism. To open the portal after first having connected it to a powersource one will have to pump it up and then leave the lever in an upright position. After passing through there will be noone to hold it and gravity will force it to fall down again, triggering the autodestruct and vaporizing the entire thing so that no traces can be found. It will be as totally gone as a one-night-stand guy in the morning." The rest of them all looked at her with surprise on their faces. "I mean, that´s what I´ve heard about such" she said, quickly making a mental note to herself about avoiding any further comments that could cause anyone to be suspicious of when she might have heard such things. A couple of minutes later, and finishing simultaneously with the viewscreen team, the portal was ready for use. Only the problem of keeping it open so that they could come back again remained. Nemesisä solved that by using her female intuition and poinging out that once erected the lever could be broken at the root with a swift blow from the BFH, or a cut from Species 125´s Katana sword, and then gravity would have no place to perform its destructive deed. They started to prepare, armed themselves, and took turns with pumping the portal open through the wooden lever. "We could use a redshirt up front, to take those first bullets if we are detected" said Sesspit. "I´m not meaning you of course." She nodded towards ensign Gullible. "I´m sorry, the rest of the redshirts are all at that concert, we have to do this on our own." WooHoo started whistle to the tune of "Girls are doing it for themselves." "How about one of the guys?" said Mary Dee. "I told you, they´re all busy" said EofS. "But there´s gotta be someone useless to take poing lead and bullets for us" said Nemesisä. "Now listen girls", said WooHoo, "I have an idea but it´s a highly experimental one. Might be worth the risk though. K1chyd has been experimenting with installing some feminist subroutines into his personality files. I´m not really sure what that means but since his program is running on hollowdeck right now, and pretty much in a pre-programmed singleminded playback state, that doesn´t demand so much from his male brain. I think we could access those new features through his mobile holographic transmitter. What do you think about that?" "For male cannonfodder, I can´t think of anyone more appropriate" said Hyperbole and remembered how K1chyd had destroyed her quarters and connection with the House of §trange by sending both into a black hole. The rest also agreed. WooHoo tapped a couple of buttons on her command pad and K1chyd´s mobile holographic transmitter was beamed into the room. She tapped some other buttons on her pad and it begun to buzz with a low noise. Suddenly it was activated and an old warty woman appeared right in front of them. She was dressed in clothes that looked like they had been on for years, well worn trail boots, a broom in her hand and a poingy hat on her head. "Evening ladies" she cackled, "I´m Granny Leggenwax, how can I help you?" On another part of the ship, in that exact moment and for reasons he would never be able to fully understand or explain, TGW suddenly uttered the word "sacrilege!" and then fainted for no apparent reason, fell like a scythe-cut pole and hit Anubis in the back in such a way that they both fell on the concert´s control console. That caused the ordinary K1chyd´s pre-programmed version of Timbuk 3´s ´The future´s so bright I gotta wear shades´ to accelerate into an extreme speed metal song. 47 redshirted ensigns broke their necks trying to keep up with the new headbanging warpspeed and the whole concert quickly began to transform into something that later were to be described by Dr Jonas Bashir as "a chaotic snakepit of broken command chains and the mother of all forlorn ensign morale, but with a soundtrack." 7: A bad lair day: His name was Õmp D´Plejjer and as any major baddy he prefered to be dressed in black. He also prefered to be dressed in red panties and black silk stockings under that exteriour black outfit, but noone but himself, his 47 slave mistresses and the readers of this eppy knew about that. He was sitting in front of a communication array in his downtown palace office in Auda City, the Noodybaarsb´s Capital Kennel, preparing a new message to Ensign Gullible. Her last reply had been very encouraging and he figured that it wouldn´t be long now before she would come over and he would be able to assimilate her into the harems of their realm. He read through the last part of her message again: "I´m up for my first away mission any day now. I´m thinking maybe I should finish the portal and come over to you before it´s to late. I´m still a bit scared because I don´t know anyone else over there, but if you´re really such a famous moviestar in your dimension as you say I guess you can take care of me all by yourself until I make some other friends and/or find a job. *Huggles* Maybe we´ll se each other sooner than we thought. :-) Love // Vera. Suddenly a small lamp on the corner of his table started to blink and the very big open space on the other side of his table were lit up. Someone was about to come through. He checked a couple of parameters on one of the screens and saw that the incoming signal had the specific signature that should be built in on a portal built by Vera. He smiled as he realised that he had just gotten out of the boring task of writing another faked loveletter and then he got up and walked around the table to meet her directly. The air started to thicken over a diameter of about three meters as a sphere of interdimensional energy formed in front of him. He smiled again and prepared himself to give her a welcoming hug. The warty old woman that came flying out of the sphere hit him in the chest like a phizzer-rifle shot. He fell backwards but managed to avoid hitting the floor by grabbing the tail of her broom. That caused her to crash into the ground too and they both ended up on the floor in a crawling pile of legs and arms. He took a swing at her swampy old face and hit her right in the nose. One of her warts broke and started to bleed and he had just freed himself and was about to finish her off with his handgun when Species 125´s Katana Sword came swooshing through the air and cut off his right hand. Still holding the gun it feel to the floor where it kept jerking off by itself for a couple of seconds, firing a stream of ripping and piercing dumbdumb bullets into a closet filled with, at least in the legal sense, innocent girlie-magazines. Stunned by the initial chock of losing a vital limb he was again taken by surprise when a number of arms grabbed him from behind, swung him around, and a hard knee hit him in the crotch. As he bent over forward someone hit him over the head with a BFH. He tried to get up and defend himself but a whip snapped around his ankles and his legs was twitched away from under him. The chest hit the floor hard and all remains of air was pressed out of his lungs together with all his fighting spirit and capability. Laying face down he could hear what sounded like at least a dozen female voices. His captors blindfolded him, tied him up, took turns cuffing his droopy ears and finally dragged him back through the energy sphere that they, much to his surprise if he at that poing had been able to notice, had managed to kept open from the other side. 8: Hell hath no fury... Back in ensign Gullible´s quarters WooHoo had closed the portal and activated its self-destruct mechanism. After watching it vaporizing itself she was ready to release the girls on their captive. To boost payback morale she held a little justifying speech about how they had managed to catch not only a deceitful, lying boyfriend, but also a symbol and a physical manifestation of deceitful, lying, cheating, crossfingered, doubletounged, bastard boyfriends everywhere. When tension was about to explode she suddenly realised that some things, after all, should be held strictly female. She turned to K1chyd who had been listening from behind, still wearing his new Granny Leggenwax outfit. "K1chyd, I´ll have to deactivate you now, you shouldn´t have to watch this." She began tapping on her command pad. "That´s not necessary, I´m actually enjoying being an aggressive feminist activist. So far it´s exactly like I´ve always imagined it to be." He broke eye contact and instead watched over WooHoo´s shoulder at ensign Gullible and Nemesisä repeatedly kicking Õmp in the groin. "Right... Well, We´ll have to talk about all your misunderstandings in that area some other time, but not today, for now the answer is sorry but no." WooHoo tapped another button on her command pad. K1chyd disappeared and his mobile holographic transmitter fell on the floor. Someone picked it up and threw it in a corner where some rats and alien bugs later on were to do unspeakable things to it before it was activated the next time. Which, BTW, was some 47 days later when Captain WooHoo and first officer Anubis saved the Galaxy from a full scale Severation-Vidiian war by, in an act of unprecedented diplomatic finesse, sending Granny Leggenwax as the Severations representative to the first ever arranged Miss Universe contest on Vidiian soil, and as a diplomatic gift to their political leaders, a full shuttleload of copies of Robwood´s, DtEN´s and lieutenant ThunderDragon´s xenobiology video ´The best of buttugly swamptoads in heat´. WooHoo released the avalanche of fired up women. It was to late for the pebbles to stay mote. They started working on Õmp. Not wanting to give them the satisfaction of seeing him give in to screaming he stoicly endured all the pain they gave him. He quietly took what seemed to be millions of buttpinches, thousands of water/latrine-machine gun showers, hundreds of handfulls of chesthair ripping, at least twofigured amounts of deadly BFH-hammering and Bobbit-swording to his subnavel area, followed by an equal amount of Mobile Resurrection Unit Processing, two full hours of watching Dr Quinn Medisev Woman without being able to look away, and a full body bikiniwax treatment. He took it all without uttering a single word or noise of complaint. It wasn´t until Sesspit and Species 125 also brought out a mashed-potato press they managed to get him to scream. After that he kept screaming for quite a while, and the only interruptions where when they over and over again had to run his remains through the Mobile Resurrection Unit. 9: Salvage(s) rep: About twentyfour hours later, Noodybaarsb´s time, and just to show that Õmp deserved everything the girls did to him in the previous part, and everything they are gonna do to him in the following, another baddy is introduced. His name is Snåpp D´Åggistajl and he´s still feeling a little bit uncomfortable sitting in the big chair that until just a day ago had been the sole property of Õmp D´Plejjer, Alpha Male and General Top Dawg of their common litter of Noodybaarsbs. Neither was he feeling very comfortable with the black outfit that came with the new job he so suddenly had been forced to mount. However, watching his predecessors hasty abduction on film taken by a hidden security camera made him a little bit excited. "Fierce little minxes those Severation women" he mumbled to himself. (Granny Leggenwax face was just to ugly to stick on film so his judgement, that otherwise should have been much different, was not discouraged by the horror of that). "I must remember to be more careful than Õmp was, not to underestimate them like that. Luckily they forgot to destroy our equipment on this side to hide where they came from." He pushed a couple of buttons and tripled the number and strength of subliminal messages directed to ensign quarters onboard USS Sevilia. Before leaving his new office he also changed the outgoing target coordinates on portal schematics so that any new portals built on the Sevilia would lead directly to one of the many basement level stasis-field cells where the higher hierarky of his race once upon a time in a really barbarian past had stored away their mother-in-laws. "We´re so much more civilized now" he thought for himself as he closed the door on the quietly transmitting machinery. "I can´t understand why it took them several hundred years to come up with the simple solution of just shooting them." He then quickly walked out of the building, called on his limo, got driven pass a public square with slave girls dancing in cages, down a street full of slave girl brothels and across a main road where slave girls were standing in line to polish the windows of stopping cars by rubbing themselves towards them. Finally he reached his new Top Dawg Estate, with his new slave girls, and a new Alpha Male lifestyle that Robwood would have betrayed the entire Severation for just to get a glimpse of on video. 10: Once you go black you never go back: WooHoo piloted the shuttle herself. EofS was busy doing some last minute checks on the cubicle in the cargo area. Chimera was busy doing some last minute alterations to the hollowdeck program she had just installed. Ensign Vera Gullible was sitting in the co-pilot chair next to WooHoo and watched them. "So, let me get this straight" she said. "You´re installing a hollowgrid in this small cubicle where this… this… this unconscious bastard is tied up, right?" "Right", said WooHoo. "But don´t disturb them now, we´re just about there." "But why?" Ensign Gullible persisted. "They promised to explain the details of it to the both of us on the way home" said WooHoo. "And that´ll be soon enough. In the mean time I´ll like to think of it as a prolonged lifetime sentence. Killing him over and over like that was kinda barbaric and we´re to civilized to do such a thing permanently. At least in this eppy. And definitely not ever on my shift. This way he gets what he deserves for a long, long time. And we don´t have to keep him around on the Sevilia. Quiet now, we´re just about there and I have to drive very carefully now. Are you ready back there?" "We´re ready!", "It´s activated!" EofS and Chimera both left their positions at the cubicle to join WooHoo and Vera in the front of the USS Ferryboat. "All right. I´m setting target coordinates now." WooHoo turned her head and looked at Vera. "Will you push the button? You deserve to be the one to do it." Vera leaned forward to push a blinking red button on the drivers side and the cubicle was immediately beamed out off the shuttle. The four of them turned their heads and looked at the pilot´s viewscreen. They could, but just barely even at maximum magnification, see the cubicle rematerialize on the other side, the wrong side, of the event horizon that laid between them and the black hole that it belonged too. After a few seconds they did a foursome high five and then WooHoo turned to read the scanning parameters. She interpreted them out loud to help the less technobabblishly educated ensign. "Deep enough to not be able to tractorbeam out with any technology we know of, constant distortions enough too make sure the same goes for locking on and beaming, far enough from the center to ensure that his sucking in to the all-crushing core will take billions of years, at least seen from this side of the event horizon, even if it´s just a couple of lifetimes from where he sits. He´s stuck where he is now, forever, but we haven´t killed him. If we hadn´t been drunk and destroyed the portal after dognapping him, we could have sent him back, but since now we can´t, this will have to be the best solution." She turned the shuttle around 180 degrees and headed back towards the USS Sevilia. EofS begun explaing how the self-supporting bio-battery-powered biodome Borg-technology enviroment she had added to the cubicle worked, and how it would prevent him from starving to death and give him a normal life span. It was to the most part to technobabblish even for WooHoo but she and the others all nodded along anyway. When she had finished Chimera took over and begun explaning to them the new details and the poings of the adjusted hollowdeck program. "I especially like the part about giving them the cultural behavior of PMS-ing orchs" said Ensign Gullible. "That really oughtta do it." WooHoo nodded along but on the inside she wasn´t really happy with the outcome. She realised that she after all had made the best of a situation that otherwise could have gotten totally out of controll in a much worse way. It had been one of those tough decisions a Captain sometimes must make and it definitely had been necessary to keep the men out of this, Ford forbid that, for example, Robwood would ever get to know about that place at all, or LGM ever get to lay his Photoshop-filtered hands on drawn art and pictures from it. EofS said nothing but she feelt pretty good because this time she had gotten some really big character building, and a main part in an eppy. She briefly wondered whether she still should or shouldn´t tell e of Pi about the bioneural chip now that everything was over, but quickly decided that first she would listen in on Leander and Th´kya one more time. Just one more last time. Or two. Or something like that. 11: Doggone lost: For a few seconds Robwood wasn´t really sure where he was. The last fifteen minutes was all kind of a blurred smut in his mind and he had obviously gotten lost. Not that he would ever complain, he had been longing for this ever since he was assigned to the ship and if he could just get back to his own quarters now he knew that he would get some very pleasant dreams, could he just calm down enough to get some sleep. Sesspit had approached him outside the messhall, hugged him, kissed him on the cheek and said; "Don´t ever change, at least not for the worse cos now I know that is possible." So with too much of his blood relocated from his cerebral functions he had gone astray and before realising it ended up somewhere down on the lower decks where the redshirted ensigns lived. It was a Doom-like labyrinth that gave most officers a creepy feeling and unpleasant memories they prefered to avoid. He was searching for the way back up when suddenly a voice came from behind. "You can´t sleep too?" He turned around and saw a female redshirt he had never seen before. Automatically he tried to put his chest out and draw his spam gut in. Then he realised that he also better give a reply. Still thinking of Sesspit he couldn´t remember any of his usual lines. "Who are you?" "Ensign Annie Yailbeit. I´ve just been activated to replace someone who got lost at a concert or something. It´s my first day out of the deep-freeze stock since Sevfleet Academy. I couldn´t sleep because I keept hearing these strange voices." "That happens to most ensigns after being reactivated. Didn´t they tell you at the Academy?" "They did. They just didn´t tell me that it would be like someone giving me instructions to build some kind of communications array." "Really? Fascinating! Well, there´s a first time for everything I guess." "And there´s another thing..." She hesitated as if she was a bit ashamed of what she was about to say. "Yes?" "Well, you know, it´s my first day here and everything. And I kinda got lost and can´t find the way back to my room." "Do you remember the designation?" "Yes. Death row subcorridor PG18. I´ll recognize the door if I can just get there." "Death row subcorridor PG18! Wow! What a coincidence! When I was an ensign on my first ship my bunk was in Death row subcorridor PG18." "Will you help me find it?" "Of course I will, and you know what, I have some expertise in the technological field. If you bean me up with a cup of Java I´ll listen to you if you describe those instructions for a communications array. Who knows, it might just be that you are one of those ensign tech-wizzes who´s muse really gets activated once they get out of the Academy and get some hands on experience. One of those few that actually has a chance of surviving long enough to be promoted." "Do you really think so?" "I think that Java is good for thought, if we make it to refill I might just be able to be persuaded into volunteering to be your personal mentor among the officers." "You would do that? For a girl on death row that hasn´t even been here a day yet?" "I believe in fate babe. I stumbled down here because I was thinking of something else than what I was doing. And now I can´t even remember what it was. But I believe that there´s always a purpose behind things. I got lost and so did you and we both ended up here." He looked her right in the eyes and held out his hand. "I know where your room is, shall we?" She thought about the strange voices and how scary this new enviroment was. "Lead the way" she said and took the hand. They walked off with Robwood in the lead. In another part of the ship both Sesspit and Chia Rhino suddenly got an irritating feeling that they somehow just had gotten a bit ugly and no longer were as attractive as they had been before. It was their first ugly-feeling. They both started to cry and tears dissolved parts of their mascara and made it come temporarily true. Counsellor Gizmo didn´t know it yet but she had an even more than usually busy period ahead. EofS didn´t know it yet but the following day alone would give her enough insights into human behavior to make her decide that the bioneural chip should stay her secret forever. And ensign Yailbeit obviously had no idea at all what she was up for and how much her definition of the word "refill" differed from Robwood´s. 12: It´s a cubicle life: When he woke up he didn´t know where he was but it seemed to be a pretty nice place. He was sitting in the middle of an open area between some small houses and there was birds and bees flying in the setting sunlight above him. To the right of him was a lit outdoor fireplace and some sort of animal that he had never seen before was being grilled over the fire. A tempting smell spread across the area. He tried to get up but found that his hands were tied to his back and that his legs were leg-cuffed. He tried again but realised that he had to remain where he was. He took another look around and when focusing his ears in that direction he could hear voices coming from inside the building that looked most modern, almost as if it had been raised the same day, some kind of barn. Suddenly he heard other voices coming from behind him and Õmp D´Plejjer turned his neck to the left and saw two short women dressed in mostly green outfits coming towards him. They didn´t look half bad and the clothing didn´t hide that they had all those physical features that he liked in a woman, except for, he realised, that they had really, really, really hairy feet. Besides, they had that look in their eyes that gave away a certain kind of interest in him. Suddenly one of them stopped and poinged something out to the other. She looked at him and they both started to laugh. Then they took off to the right and ran towards the barn from where he had heard those other voices. He looked down on himself again. Paying more attention to detail now that he already knew that he had been tied up. He was dressed in the same kind of material as the womens clothing and his appearance had been altered so that he now looked as what he quickly figured must be ment to be a male of the same race as them. Only seconds later hundreds of them, both male and female, came running from the barn and gathered around him like he was some kind of animal at a zoo. Some of them poinged finger at him. Some of them just laughed. Some of the kids poked him with sticks. Mostly in his feet. And then he realised the connection. All of them had hairy feet. Males, females and children alike. His own paws however had been surgically or medically tampered with and was now as blank as a cromedome. This was him being the center of a freakshow. He pulled the ropes and tried to get up again. He noticed how evil they all looked. He wanted to run as far away as possible from this place. He failed and had to remain seated. Suddenly someone threw a rotten apple right between his eyes. The laughter escalated. More bad apples were thrown. Someone brought out a rusty garlic press. He started to scream. He kept doing it for a long time. If sound could have escaped over the event horizon and out of the black hole it would have sounded as if his screaming went on for eons. |
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