Sees all (does that nosy Northpoler)


"If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?"
What if Santa Claus was real, reactive to naughty all year round and had an omnipresent surveillance operation going that was really, really intrusive? (Fans of Terry Pratchett and/or Douglas Adams might be interrested in knowing that inspiration for this parody about omnipresent surveillance in much (but loosely) came to my muse right after I'd read the book "The management style of the supreme beings" by Tom Holt).

An elf oft walks behind you
To see if you're a liar
There'll be a docked point on the list
For inconsistenc' with said prior

He knows if you been naughty
It's hard to loosen up for fun
His omnipresence's out of hand
Surveillance has us overrun

The sky old Santa's filled with drones
He's gone way overboard
Swag is frowned on, don't you trip
A walk outside's a brinkmanship

Sees all, does that nosy Northpoler
And he frowns at you to and fro
Father Christmas runs the Earth
Every bath that you take there's a periscope

Sees all, does that nosy Northpoler
Burn your porn mags and movies too
Old Saint Nick he runs the Earth
And you better not go for a Ho-Ho-Ho

He's sitting close on everyone
He says you're to behave - OR ELSE!
He'll snap if you don't wash your hands
His paparazzi's straight from Hell

A dark beat lives in Santa's chest
No safety zone inside his scroll
Lost his red pen, gained a bat
He will use it, and might whip you too

Your diet's checked with endoscope
And cookies you must hoard
He's taken over WikiLeaks
And microchipped your fingertips

Knows all, he's a knowsy Knowthpoler
And he's spellchecking in your hood
Padre No Mas rules the Earth
Every typo you make there'll be knuckle-blood

Knows all, does that nosy Northpoler
Who you've unfriended he will know
Father Christmas runs the Earth
And he doesn't like LOLcatz, No-No-No!

The daily grind's a slipp'ry slope
You have to file report
Bragging's frowned on, don't you slip
As naughty too's self-censorship

Sees all, does that grumpy Northpoler
And he looks down on me and you
Father Christmas has us flanked
He's reversed the old Hubble telescope

Sees all, does that grumpy Northpoler
Burn less gas and more midnight oil
Down your chimney he'll have you spanked
So you better go learn to tip-tip-toe

© Peter Andersson 2017