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I am a tired runner in a super-ultramarathon © PETER ANDERSSON A MUSIC PARODY BASED ON: "I AM THE VERY MODEL OF A MODERN MAJOR-GENERAL" BY: GILBERT & SULLIVAN BONUS QUOTE: "Sweat cleanses from the inside. It comes from places a shower will never reach." GEORGE SHEEHAN |
Song of the Month of August 2007 Contest! Ultramarathon 101: An ultramarathon is "any race longer than a normal marathon". The first definition I ever heard was "any race equal to or longer than 100 kilometers" but either that was to fool me or the bar has since been lowered by organizers so as to tempt more regular marathon slackers to pay up entrance fees. Races are based on distances or time; 6 hours, 12 hours, 24 hours and 48 hours are popular formats as well as 100 kilometers, 100 miles, multiday races and even cross continental events well deserving of the adjective super to their name, but that has been added to this song in the spirit of artistic license, and as facts alone can never do this sport justice I'll add this intro up with two quotes from sports columnist, ultra advocate and three times Spartathlon (246 kilometers) winner Rune Larsson who have (as best I can translate it) said "It's a feeling like no other to run through your second sunrise - of the same race" and "I always know I've done my best when I cross the finish line and they have to take me to an ICU for a night of infusions". THE RUNNER: I am a tired runner in a super-ultramarathon I'm miles behind the leader, from this town he is already gone I know that doesn't matter, and I'll pace up chronological In Rotterdam or in Peru I'll catch him categorical I'm very well acquainted with the feeling of a bloody gall I understand biology, I'm filled up carbohydrical I'm learning as I run, that is an upside of good stamina My expertise is buzzard flight and road kill stains examina' SPECTATORS: He is a tired runner in a super-ultramarathon With devastating tremors like a sniper who's got Parkinson We cannot help to wonder if his mind or just his legs are gone THE RUNNER: I'm very good at limping on when I have come to hit the wall I've discount prize at ICUs and Pizza Huts and K-Mart malls It's not a very sexy sport, each lawn's a toilet after dark But that's the way we have to go, and why Old Yeller's out to bark SPECTATORS: That scent they reek, their aura, it's pepper spray, it's their cologne But there is nothing in this world to help their type of bunion THE RUNNER: I run the way a woman talk, I never, ever, ever stop I've worn down every shoe there is, just look at how they flip and flop I once ran lost in North Iraq and also lost a stinking sock Somebody launched it on the Kurds, it wiped out fourtyseven blocks For underwear I do not care since once they got extensive rot I smell so bad that nosy dogs don't even try to sniff my butt In short, the way I'm travelling on asphalt and on forest paths I am the very model of an athlete who could use a bath SPECTATORS: It's really quite amazing how their races' clocked with almanacs And zombie movies owe them big from raiding stores for fatty snacks In every way considered normal they are going of the tracks THE RUNNER: I'm outrun up a raising hill by Baywatch guards in slow-mo drive But on the beach they take a dive and I'm the one who stays alive Next week I've passed through Waco, Cork and France and Bern and Amsterdam I'm still an active runner in this super-ultramarathon SPECTATORS: If slowing down he makes a stop at Taco Bell to get the runs OK, OK, that was a lie we made up on the run, a pun THE RUNNER: We do more miles 'fore nine o'clock than army sergeants in a day Set up a fun run in our path, we'll join it if it's on the way Our armpits counts as WMDs hence winners never raise a hand A runner up forgot that once and took out half of Swaziland My wife complained she did not get to do or see enough of me We met up downhill in the alps, it must have been a sight to see I have a house, and car I think, she's phoning, I can hear her weep Next year I'll make a pit stop and she'll get to use me during sleep SPECTATORS: His wife complained about the way he's always running marathon Though quality not quantity's the way he thinks she should be done The power in his loins been measured 700 megatons THE RUNNER: Race newbies are worn out too quick if they are off like mercury The current one's been on since the beginning of the century From all those rainy thunderstorms and chores that I have undergone I am a tired runner in a super-ultramarathon SPECTATORS: It kinda helps that he is nuts, the line is long gone overdrawn He's always and forever in a super-ultramarathon © Peter Andersson 2007 |
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