Kabooom course
© PETER ANDERSSON


BONUS QUOTE:
"If we donīt change the direction in which we are headed, we are liable to end up where we are going."
UNKNOWN
 
This is my third addition to the ongoing Sevilian saga. As with the previous, if youīre not a Sevilian but a "normal" visitor thereīs some puns and injokes that you will not understand. Donīt let that bother you too much. Just enjoy it. As well as possible.


Part 1: The Mother of All Labours:

The USS Sevilia is in orbit around the planet Delta Stretchmark 9 in the Gros Spregnancy system. A planet known as the most fertile planet in the whole Severation. Suspected but not proven origin of the tribble species and especially famous for their humanoid females capability to give numerous births without straining labours or remaining physical body changes. The planetwide average has been estimated to about 47 children per woman, thereby making it a major supplier of redshirted ensigns. The average male however do not have equal physical capabilities and therefore the Severation regularly asign ships to deliver humanitarian aid - beer, football videos and viagra pills - to that exhausted half of the population. Itīs the day before Narahtmas Eve and most of the crew have been given time off. The ship is in stationary orbit and this far the whole mission has gone as expected. Theyīre ahead of schedule and thereīs no need to rush back home to Earth for another boring asignment. Captain WooHoo has decided that this is a safe planet for them to just hang around at for a couple of days. Of course that decision means that the whole mission is about to change into something else than what was originally expected. Which - in the case of USS Sevilia - is exactly what everyone is expecting. Thatīs why almost everyone who hasnīt left the ship already, or has just generally to much hangover from the homemade spamwine testing party the night before, has made an excuse to hang around on the bridge to see what happens and who it will be that hails them. However, due to some random toying around with scanning equipment in the science department, the mission altering news comes not from the outside, but from the inside, as the Chief Science Officer enters the bridge in somewhat a hurry.

Trideos: Captain! Captain!

WooHoo: Yes, Trideos?

Trideos: I have discovered something amazing! Something really amazing! I was... conducting... standard orbit surface and depth geological confirmation of the accuracy of the entries in the Severation planetary database when...

WooHoo: I see. That explains the bikini.

Trideos: Alright, alright. I was scanning the planet to find the most perfect beach for my afternoon shore leave. Now, do you wanna know what I have found?

LGM: Sand?

Trideos: A living planet!

WooHoo: Thatīs pretty obvious isnīt it? We wouldnīt be here if it wasnīt. Exactly how much spamwine did you have last night?

Trideos: No! No! You donīt understand. What I mean is that the whole planet is actually alive. A living being in itself.

WooHoo: OK. Thatīs unusual but not unheard of. Iīm sure youīre familiar with the Gaia Hypothesis and all that.

Trideos: Wait! It gets better!

CBM (yawns): I can hardly wait. Does this mean that there will be no shooting and blowing up stuff on this mission?

Trideos: I was picking up some subsurface movements that at first I thought was low-level vulcanic activity. But I soon realised that it wasnīt. So I made some scanning as deep below the surface I could. And guess what I found!

WooHoo: Alright, alright, I give up. Stop teasing us. What was it?

Trideos: Contractions! The planet is not only alive. Itīs pregnant and about to give birth!

WooHoo: What kind of... thing... does a planet give birth to?

Trideos: So far I canīt tell. Itīs impossible to scan the inside for better details. The whole planet is emerging subspace distorsions that wasnīt there just a couple of minutes ago. They make it very hard to get reliable readings.

WooHoo: How much time do we have?

Trideos: I have no idea.

WooHoo: What will happen to the inhabitants on the surface if this theory of yours is correct?

Trideos: Impossible to predict at this stage.

WooHoo: Great! A lot of unknown factors and no ideas. Iīm open for suggestions. Anyone?

LGM: Iīm picking up a growing gravimetric contraction on the southern continent. Iīm pinpointing it now as we speak. Itīs coming from somewhere in the Libresse desert. Preliminary focus; The Grand Canyon between Venus Mountain and Backsidebun Hills.

WooHoo: Do we have any crew members in that area? Wait, donīt tell me...

Trideos: I saw Robwood with a big gun in his hands this morning. He said something about going beaver hunting down south.

WooHoo (sighs): Right, hail him and tell him to prepare for an emergency beam out.

LGM: Weīre already receiving an emergency distress SMS right now. It has a sevfleet signature and it comes directly from the center of the contractions.

WooHoo: Lock on and beam him directly to the bridge, I want us all to hear his report right away.

LGM: Iīm having trouble to lock on. The gravimetric contractions and the subspace distorsions are messing up the datastream. The transportable mass is not exactly at match with Robwoods registered normal bodyweight.

Trideos: Maybe he has actually shot something.

WooHoo: Just get him out of there before he gets killed!

LGM: Increasing power to transporter now. Widening target bubble to match incoming data. Locking on. Locking on. Locking on. I got him! Rematerializing in five seconds.

Trideos: What about the inhabitants of the planet? And the rest of our crew?

WooHoo: Hail everyone of ours thatīs still down there. Weīre gonna need them and... What the...

The just rematerialized Robwood throws off a mask and proves to be not Robwood at all. Instead thereīs a long man with a wild beard, a turban, and a very scary amount of Borg implants. He takes one step forward and then dropps something that looks like a granade on the bridge floor.

WooHoo: Oh my Ford! Itīs a TaliBorg! And he has a freezegranade! Itīs a trap! False readings! Quic...

The granade explodes and immediatelly filles the bridge with temporal cellular freeze technobabblion particles. Everyone is stopped where they stand and canīt move. An implanted technothingie on the also frozen TaliBorgs shoulder blinks twice and then sends a piece of code into the Sevilias computer. Three more TaliBorgs gets beamed onboard. These ones are wearing protective envirosuits. The bridge of the ship has fallen into enemy hands.

Part 2: Captive Horror:

Itīs a couple of hours later. The Taliborgs have taken over the ship completely and imprisoned the crew on the holodeck. After taking over the bridge they just locked on to everyone onboard and beamed them there together with another bunch of freezegranades. Now they have begun to come around again and Captain WooHoo is walking around to make sure that everyone is alright. Unfortunatelly sheīs discovering that most of the main crew must have been down on the planet during the attack. She also finds an ensign that seems to be more dead than usual.

WooHoo: Who is this?

Leander: Itīs ensign Esup. It was ensign Esup.

WooHoo: Esup? What kind of an ensign name is that?

Leander: His full name was Tim. Ensign Tim Esup.

WooHoo: Tim Esup? Timesup. Oh, I get it!

Trideos: The way he smells youīd think he spent a long time in the septic tank or something.

e of Pi: I agree. Somethingīs not right here. I canīt remember seeing him in a while. Didnīt he die during the "Another disaster"?

Leander: Now that you mention it, I vaguely remember listing him as missing a couple of days after that incident. Itīs so hard to remember single names on that list, thereīs new ones added every single day.

WooHoo: Whatever! He sure as Sev is dead right now. We better get his stinking corpse out of the way until we get out of here and can access the Reincarnation Unit. Throw him in a corner for the time being.

LGM: Good idea.

WooHoo calls on ensign Opsithapndagen and ensign Pojntblank. As they nervously and visuably shaking lifts up the body of their dead comrade something falls out of his stiff hand.

WooHoo: Whatīs that?

LGM: Iīm not sure. It looks like it has been thrown or beaten against a wall. Whatever it is I think he has tried to destroy it.

e of Pi: It could be...

WooHoo: What?

e of Pi: Well, some 47000 buckles ago it might have been a mobile holographic transmitter.

WooHoo: I guess that could mean K1chyd finally managed to flush himself while walking around raising toilet seats!

LGM: Well, he wasnīt captured and confined in here with the rest of us, and there would have been no poing for him to go on a shore leave, would it?

WooHoo: None that I can think of right now. But that still doesnīt explain how he and ensign Esup got inside the septic tank. If thatīs what they did.

e of Pi: Maybe if we can activate K1chyd and access his personal log.

WooHoo: Well, if you have nothing better to do, which you obviously donīt have, go ahead.

E of Pi detaches one of his legs, losens one of his spare batteries and a couple of cables and start to work with the mobile holographic transmitter. Under normal conditions it should have taken him hours to get it back online, but that would have bored the readers too much so to keep up their interest he getīs it done in only two sentences.

e of Pi: Piece of cake! I can access his log through audio now. You can get picture too if you want, but that would strain the battery.

WooHoo: Audio will do fine!

e of Pi: OK, here it comes.

K1chyd: K1chydīs personal log, sevdate; infinite minus 47 billions and four point seven. Captain WooHoo has asigned me and ten ensigns to exterior decoration detail. We are to repaint the whole ship during the upcoming week. Strangly enough we have not been given any paint to work with. Therefore we are just sitting here, outside, waiting. Needless to say the ensigns are not very happy since magnetic boots aside this is very close to an away team mission. To take their minds of the situation for a few hours I have decided to cheer them up by recitating all the Oscar award acceptance speaches by the duo Adam Sandler and Pauly Shore. The first one of which was given to them almost directly after Paulyīs sex change operation and her award winning role in...

WooHoo: Believe me, I had forgotten about that asignment. It must have been right before the "Another disaster". I think I did asign him and a bunch of expendable ensigns to an outside job. It must have slipped my mind somehow. Can we fast forward a bit?

e of Pi: Sure do maīam.

K1chyd: The ensigns donīt seem to appreciate infotainment trivia as much as I expected. Maybe their constant closeness to death require a more philosophical approach. I will therefore try to recitate the works of the ancient greek philosopher Sevcrates instead. Recording to this log will be made for future personal reference and...

WooHoo: Fast forward again, please.

e of Pi: Yes Captain.

K1chyd: ...the explosion a couple of minutes ago seems to have caused various failures in the ships normal functions. The shield is obviously down or at least fluctuating since a meteorit or something just hit ensign Nooopleese and sweept him away. Also there seems to be fluctuations in the exterior gravity field. Ensign Thatvassitīs magnetic boots just failed and he drifted away too. There also seems to be a problem with ensign Laastbreethīs oxygen pack, but that might not have anything to do with the explosion. Iīm trying to establish contact with the inside but...

WooHoo: Fast forward.

e of Pi: Yes Captain.

K1chyd: ...Iīve succesfully fought off both the TaliBorg cubes that was trying to take advance of our situation, using only ensign Splatterdlajkapizzas dead corpse as a shield and his standard phizzer for shooting back. Unfortunately one of their shoots got pass me and hit the Sevilia in the lower decks. Thereīs still no connection to the inside so I donīt know if anyone got hurt. Ensign Esup and myself will try to access the inside through the rift where the shot hit and...

WooHoo: I know itīs allowed to be a bit egocentric and make yourself the hero in the eppys you write, but two cubes with a standard phizzer? Iīd say heīs taking it too far this time.

Trideos: That might explain all the trouble the TaliBorgs must have gone through to trap us though. And why they havenīt taken the time to assimilate us yet. Maybe the Sevilias weapons technology was their primary target?

WooHoo: If so, they must begin to be pretty frustrated by now. And soon they will come down here and assimilate us just to get the information that way. Weīd better hurry up! Fast forward again!

e of Pi: Yes Captain. Iīm fast forwarding to the last thirty seconds of the log.

K1chyd: ...the new explosion closed the rift behind us before we were able to get back out again. Needless to say ensign Esup is not very happy about being trapped in the septic tank. He has grabbed my mobile transmitter, turned the hologram part off and is now smashing it against the wall as heīs screaming for help. For an ensign, heīs showing unsuspected physical stamina. Maybe he will even survive long enough to get saved or do some damage to something else than himself. As for myself, the battery is beginning to run low so Iīm moving to standby until I can be recharged or transferred back to the main computer databanks. K1chyd Out.

WooHoo: Well, now we know about the smell. Not that it makes me feel much better. Turn him off again.

e of Pi: Wait! Heīs holographic, maybe we can use him to access the hollowdeck computers.

WooHoo: Is there even a remote possibility that could work?

e of Pi: If we could get some program to run, so he has something to interact with, then I think so!

WooHoo: Well, I donīt think the TaliBorgs bothered to turn off the program library. Call it a hunch or female intuition or whatever. Anyway, itīs easy to check. Computer, restart the last program that was used.

The until now clean and empty hollowdeck is suddenly replaced with some sort of summer evening garden party. Thereīs a big pool, a big house, serveants running with drinks, steaks on the fire, and a lot of women in minimal bikinis.

WooHoo: Whatīs this!!!?

Leander: I think itīs Robwoods "Playsev Mansion" program.

CBM: Yes. It is.

WooHoo: Just for knowing that Iīm redrawing your hollowdeck privileges for a month! And Robwoods forever!!! Computer! Change to another program! Anything. And do it fast!

The Playsev Mansion disappears just as fast as it came on. Itīs replaced by a bunch of green hills and slowly jumping rabbits. A telescope comes up from the ground and WooHoo trips on it and falls.

CBM: This must be ThunderDragonīs "Teletubbie" program.

WooHoo: I donīt even wanna know! Computer! Change program! Make it "Ponycamp Heaven". And quick!

Suddenly theyīre all inside a clinically clean stable. No flies. No manoure. No smell. The walls all pink and yellow and white. Mostly pink. And nothing but an endless row of ponys cute enough to die for.

WooHoo: Ahhhhhhhhhh...

All the men: Euuuuhhhhhhh...

WooHoo: I wish I had time for this, but I donīt. E of Pi, activate K1chyd visually, real time mode.

After pushing a few buttons e of Pi manages to get K1chyd to appear as his usual self, the Vorlon looking version. Because his battery power is limited they all hurry to explain the situation to him. After taking in all that new info he almost excuses himself and disappeares into the technobabblion field that creates the holographic images around them. After a few seconds he comes back.

WooHoo: Well, can you help us get out of here? And no confuzzling wisdom this time or weīll never recharge your mobile transmitter again!

K1chyd: Thereīs an emergency beam out easter egg in one of the programs. Sa...ay...y... the right woooo...rd... an...d...

WooHoo: What program?

e of Pi: I think his battery just run out.

WooHoo: Can you spare another spare battery.

WooHoo: Yes maīam. But this is the final one. Any more and Iīll be shut down instead.

E of Pi Losens one of his arms and takes out another battery. When he attaches it to the wires on the mobile transmitter K1chyd reappears.

WooHoo: Repeat last sentence.

K1chyd: Say the right word and be transported site to site from here to personal quarters.

WooHoo: What program?

K1chyd: Robwoods "Playsev Mansion".

WooHoo: What? Again?

e of Pi: Iīll guess we have to go back there. Quickly, this is a minor battery thatīs not designed for holographic imaging.

WooHoo (sighs): Dammit! Al right. Computer, change program to "Playsev Mansion".

Once again the summer evening garden party, the big pool, the big house, the serveants, the steaks and the women in minimal bikinis comes alive on the hollowdeck.

WooHoo: K1chyd! Say the word.

K1chyd: Actually, thereīs more than one.

WooHoo: Just say it!

K1chyd: Donīt I know you from somewhere?

WooHoo: Thatīs the lamest line I have ever heard, couldnīt...

LGM: Heīs gone. He dematerialized instantly when the sentence was finished.

e of Pi (sighs): Dammit Sean! We could have gotten a few more seconds here before she noticed herself!

LGM: All you youngsters think about, ainīt it?

Trideos: We donīt have time for this discussion. Iīll try next. Donīt I know you from somewhere?

And she to disappeares. Then LGM. Then Leander. Then CBM. Then e of Pi. And finally, making sure noone stays behind, WooHoo.

Part 3: All good things...

WooHoo: Where are we?

LGM: My guess is Robwoods personal quarters. All the Playsev posters on the walls kinda gives it away.

WooHoo: Where do he keep the ammo and stuff for his implanted weapons?

CBM: Already on it Captain! And thereīs enough in this closet alone to make HirogenHunter and DtEN cry from joy. We will not leave this room unequipt, if you know what I mean. Thereīs also a supply of batteries similar to that one in K1chydīs mobile holographic transmitter. I think he can use them.

WooHoo: Good! Everybody arm yourselfs, weīre gonna kick some TaliBorg butt!

After picking up enough weapons to make a klingon feel overarmed they slowly open the door to the corridor and carefully sneaks out. The corridor however is silent and empty. Slowly progressing from corridor to corridor they meet no resistance. Even the engineering room is empty. And then they finally kick down the door and storm the bridge they find that too to be empty. The TaliBorgs are gone and the USS Sevilia is flying on autopilot.

WooHoo: What the frack is going on here? Where the heck are the bad guys? Thereīs noone but us on the entire ship! Well, except for the redshirts that we left on the hollowdeck, but theyīre all probably dead by now.

CBM: This is unfair!

WooHoo: Unfair?

CBM: Yeah! Unfair! You just donīt go through all that trouble, faking a planetwide distorsion, tricking yourself onboard, overpowering us, locking us up, putting the ship on autopilot, and then leave without getting us a chance to do some serious buttkicking while we take it back! Thatīs unfair! Even if youīre a really, really, really bad badguy you just donīt. Thatīs against the rules!

WooHoo: OK. So itīs unfair. What do you want me to do about it? Send a subspace message to the Taliborgs and ask them to come highjack us again?

CBM: No, but I do wanna let off some steam. I wanna shoot at something. I wanna blow stuff up.

Trideos (points to the wievscreen that LGM has just activated): You might still get a chance. Look at that ship over there. Or whatever it is. Can we get a magnification?

LGM: Give me just a few seconds.

K1chyd: Someoneīs been nice. Or not.

WooHoo: I donīt believe it. Magnify just a little more please.

LGM: Cheesus!

Leander: Itīs the Santa sleigh-ride. Complete with raindeers and all!

Trideos: But whereīs Santa?

LGM: It looks like a TaliBorg in the drivers seat!

e of Pi: Maybe the sleigh doesnīt have an autopilot?

WooHoo: Al right! Letīs assume that the TaliBorgs have highjacked Santaīs sleigh as well as they highjacked the Sevilia. Thereīs still the question of why? And where too? Why are we on autopilot and where are we heading?

K1chyd: Sleighride or slayride. Slayride or sleighride.

WooHoo: Do shut up or I will kick you in the jingle bells.

All the men: Euuuuhhhhhhh...

LGM: Shall I disengage the autopilot now?

WooHoo: Not yet! First I wanna know if we are on exactly the same course as that sleigh?

LGM: We are. Calculating possible destinations now.

WooHoo: Good, let me know when you...

LGM: Captain, I have found it. I know where we are going.

WooHoo: That was quick!

LGM: Well, we canīt bore the audience too much with long waiting periods. This far into the story we have to arrive ASAP. Therefore I estimate destination arrival within 47 lines. Oh, and try to keep them short if possible.

WooHoo: OK. Whatīs the destination?

LGM: It seems that weīre on a collision course with the two Funghi trading stations orbiting the planet Profitus Maximus Poing in the Cowabunga system.

e of Pi: I heard of those. Arenīt they the ones run by Damon Earwax, who made a fortune from getting a monopoly on shipping deoderants and make-up to the Viidians?

K1chyd: Yes. And then he made a second fortune by selling swedish lingonberry-jam to the Klingons. He just renamned it klingonberry-jam and it became a huge success in the klingon cousine.

Leander (gives a thumbs down): So far, thatīs the lamest gagh in this eppy!

e of Pi: No, so far, THATīS the lamest gag in this eppy!

WooHoo: Enough already! Sean, whatīs the scenario here?

LGM: Well, Santas sleigh will run directly into the first space station, and then we, and the other station, will collide with each other, and the debrie from the first crasch!

K1chyd: Kaboom! To put it short.

WooHoo: Well, the TaliBorgs have always had it in for the Funghi. At least since Damon Scrooge and Damon Syfilic sold them lice nanobot infested thermo underwear during their system crasch recession back in ī47.

LGM: Iīm also getting readings that says that Santas sack is filled with 47 Gigatons of explosives. Neatly wrapped and packed though.

WooHoo: What about Santa himself?

LGM: Neatly wrapped and packed and sacked himself as far as I can tell. Thereīs one life sign. But a big one. It can hardly be something else.

WooHoo: Well, time to save the day. Everybody, man battle stations and prepare to disengage autopilot on my command. Sean, hail the Funghi stations and tell them to begin evacuation immediately.

K1chyd: Why?

WooHoo: Heīs on third... wait, thatīs your line. What do you mean?

K1chyd: Them not us. And Santaīs a redshirt.

WooHoo: Do you want me to throw away that mobile transmitter or what?

K1chyd: Alright, alright. Why? Why do we always have to save the day? Why should we assist a bunch of Funghi? They are not even members of the Severation. And if they should even bother to thank us we better count our fingers afterwards.

WooHoo: If not for the Funghi, how about for Santa then?

K1chyd: Well, has he ever bothered to come to us onboard the Sevilia? No, he hasnīt. Weīre just not nice enough for that picky old tub of lard. Weīre flying around breaking directives, blasting up continuity, disrupting sevspace, causing time travelling paradoxes and least but not last, watches naughty pictures of Sesspit and Chia. Has he ever looked between his fingers over that? Has he? Not the way he blatantly obviously do for other shows anyway. I say we owe him nothing!

WooHoo: Hmmm...

K1chyd: And furthermore, do we really want that guy flying around in some fantasy/magic machine with technology superior to our own? What if he turns bad? Do we really want a jolly and slightly demented chimney crawling mutant freak who can be at millions of different places at the same time, on the loose? Do we really? Iīd say heīs a threat just waiting to happen. Let his sleigh crash and weīll get rid of both him and a whole bunch of annoying Funghi at the same time.

e of Pi: He does have a poing!

Trideos: And Iīm too hungry to go to battle right now!

LGM: The rules specifically state that "donīt blow up the ship". But thereīs nothing stated about "don’t blow up Santas sleighride".

Leander: Besides, we have our own holiday now. Narahtmas! If we turn around we might still make it back in time to gather the whole crew for a Narathmas turkey dinner!

K1chyd: See Captain! They agree with me! Weīre tired of always fighting. And this one is not even our fight anymore. We have retaken the Sevilia and thatīs enough to call it a day. For once we can just turn around, walk away, and let things take their natural course. If the TaliBorgs and the Funghi goes at it head to head thatīs their business. We can sit this one out.

CBM: I would prefere us to do the blowing up stuff part ourselfs, but... well... that would be fair enough for me.

WooHoo: I will probably regret this, but… OK! Sean, disengage the autopilot and turn the ship around. Set a course to pick up the rest of the crew. Maximum warp. E of Pi, I want a ship supply of spamfilled turkey ready when we get back. With steaming hot potato and sauce and stuff and all the Narahtmas spamcandy you can replicate. Trideos will assist you. Leander and CBM, get as much Narahtmas decorations you can find, a couple of gravity boot spacesuits, and set up something nice on the top of the saucer section of the ship. K1chyd, you just shut up until further notice! Go recharge yourself or something. Sean, you have the bridge. Iīm gonna get some sleep, and maybe, just maybe, wrap up some presents of my own.

CBM: In that case, I wouldnīt mind having my hollowdeck privileges restored.

WooHoo (smiles): Donīt push it. OK?

WooHoo leaves the bridge through the door to the Captains quarters. The others get busy. LGM disengages the autopilot and takes over the helm himself while standing on his little green bridgebox. The ship makes a wide half circle and heads down the way it came. Somewhere behind it Santas sleigh runs into the Funghi station and a huge explosion putīs an end to the story. Or does it?

THE KABOOOOOOOOM END



© Peter Andersson 2001

   

BACK TO PREVIOUS PAGE