Opposites detached
© PETER ANDERSSON


BONUS QUOTE:
"The institution of opposition is one of the greatest and most unexpected social discoveries."
ROBERT DAHL
 
This is another short novel that has been written for some online sf-fans and ditto friends of mine. Just as with the first I have placed a copy of it here because I think it came out pretty good. As with the first, if youīre not a Sevilian but a "normal" visitor thereīs some puns and injokes that you will not understand. Never mind that because it should be pretty readable anyway. That is, if you can read english.


Part 1: A New Hail:

The USS Seviliaīs shuttle USS Ferryboat comes wooshing through space at its maximum warp speed. A minute later, behind it, hunting it, comes the Sevilia, wooshing even faster. The ferryboat is shooting randomly and deploys some mines but the distance is still to large and Sevilia has no problems with avoiding the mines or absorbing the phizzershots with her shields. Onboard the shuttle there is chaos, organized chaos, but still chaos, as could be expected from welltrained Sevfleet officers on a renegade away mission.

WooHoo: This is Captain WooHoo of the USS Ferryboat, calling the Borg collective. We are under attack and require assistance. I repeat; We are under attack and require assistance. Please respond, we need help!

e of Pi: Still no response from the Borg. As far as I can tell this old subspace link of mine is still working though, they should receive our distress call.

WooHoo: Keep sending it, itīs not like we have alternatives.

K1chyd: The helpless and the selfless are the other half of each.

ThunderDragon: Tell us something we havenīt already guessed. Why do you think we are running away from the Sevilia in this direction?

WooHoo: Did you actually get that?

ThunderDragon: Not really. But guessing and pretending too understand confuzzles him back and shuts him up. Sometimes for several minutes.

WooHoo: Good work. Keep it up.

Robwood: The Sevilia is gaining on us Captain. 47 seconds and we will be in tractorbeam range.

WooHoo: Deploy the last bunch of mines behind us and prepare to engage in evasive manouvre AirOutOfTheBallon on my command.

Little Green Man: Mines deployed and spreading Captain. The Sevilia is altering its course to go around them.

Robwood: I cannae do the evasive manouvre Captain! That can of Pepsi that I have been shaking and preparing for beaming into the warpcore is gone. And it was our last one. Our last best hope.

WooHoo: What do you mean? Gone?

LGM: It was right here just a minute ago. On the shuttleīs mobile holographic transmitter. But now itīs gone!

K1chyd: Buuuuuuuuuuuurp!

WooHoo: I see. Prepare to beam K1chyd into the warpcore instead. Heīs obviously now the new holder of the beverage.

ThunderDragon: I have some Coca-Cola that we could try instead.

e of Pi: And I have some Poopsi.

WooHoo: Pepsi is the choice of the New Generation you know. Nothing else will work. Besides, the Coke Empire ainīt paying us to plug their products during our ad-ventures. The backupboard plan will be to engage in evasive manouvre MerryGoRound. Maybe we can spin the tractorbeam enough to break free and thereby buy a little more time.

e of Pi: Captain! Iīm picking up a subspace distorsion right in front of us. It has the Borg transwarp signature.

WooHoo: On screen! And full stop!

The at first empty space on the screen suddenly starts to flicker and a large Borg Cube shows up, halting in front of the also fast stopping USS Ferryboat shuttle. The cube has a very familiar look, itīs shaped like a giant fuzzy dize, but with fireflames painted on two sides and nostalgiagiving small Cadillac wings on what appears to be the back of the top side. A little green scanningbeam is run through the shuttle.

WooHoo: Well, if Iīm not right, at least my guess canīt be all that wrong. Open hailing frequensis.

e op Pi: Hailing frequensis are open, Captain.

WooHoo: This is Captain WooHoo of the USS Sevilia, currently in charge of the USS Ferryboat. We are under attack from our own mothership and require assistance.

Borg Queen (on screen): This is First of All, bald Captain of the USB Herald of free Enterprise. You are not the Captain WooHoo of the USS Sevilia we know and have encountered before. Who are you and why should we assist you?

WooHoo: Before I answer your questions I need to know what USB stands for?

First of All: United Ship of Borg. We are one of the warships voluntarily patroling the borders of the Federation of free Borg Communities.

WooHoo (sighs relieved): I was hoping for something like that.

First of All: Now, tell me quickly why I shouldnīt blow you drones out of the sky before your mothership arrives to close this trap on us?

WooHoo: First of all... ehhh... I mean... One, we surrender unconditionally. You can stun us or freeze us or uncapacitate us any way you see fit. But just take us onboard and get us the heck out of here before Sevilia arrives. Two, we are not the drones you think we are but we had to take a couple of them with us when we escaped the hive. Are these two familiar to you?

WooHoo steps aside and shows with her hand that the Borg Queen should look closer at the two persons sitting blindfolded, bound and gagged on the floor behind her. One is a very longhaired Dave the Explosive Newt, wearing a sixties hippie outfit and a t-shirt that says; "Peace, Love & Understanding". The other one is Sesspit, wearing religious female Amish clothing and a button that says "Just say No". After a few seconds of silence everyone onboard is suddenly being beamed out of the Ferryboat and the Borg ship sets of with maximum speed, opens a transwarp tunnel and disappears.

Part 2: The Esquire Talks Back:

WooHoo, LGM, e of Pi, ThunderDragon, Robwood, K1chyd and the still tied up and gagged Sesspit and DtEN are being escorted by a couple of Borg guards, wearing casual individual clothing and having a private conversation about stock market investments as they move along. After being taken through extensive testing and scanning in some sort of medlab they are being lead into what appears to be some sort of officers lounge. In the middle of the room stands a male borg body with no head. Suddenly the Borg queens detached head and spine is lowered down from somewhere above them and is joined with the body. She turnes to the guards.

First of All: Thank you boys, that will be all. Iīll handle it myself from now on. The two of you can take the rest of the day off.

Borg Guard 1: Thanx maī am!

Borg Guard 2: Thanx man!

WooHoo: Youīre using a male body?

First of All: I prefer to pee standing up. You have a problem with that?

K1chyd: My kinda gal!

WooHoo: Well, until K1chyd here came onboard and toilet seats all over the Sevila was beginning to be left up all the time I hadnīt. But never mind that. Why were these guards dressed so unborglike?

First of All: Itīs some fad they have assimilated and the union have forced me to accept. Resistance was futile. They call it casual friday or something like that.

K1chyd: A long way come you have, bust like us.

First of All: Who is this idiot?

ThunderDragon: Coherently challenged individual if you please. And he is the mandatory psychobabbling sidekick for comic episodes like this one.

First of All: I see. A deus ex machina to fill out gaps in the conversation, or the logic, or something like that, right?

e of Pi: You could say that.

First of All: Well, anyway, as you might have guessed by now the six of you have passed our tests. We know for sure that you have nothing physical in common with those two tied up drones there.

Robwood: Not that I wouldnīt mind physical with...

WooHoo: Quiet! This is not a character degeneration episode of yours, will you please stop drooling over Sesspit.

LGM: Yeah Mate. Sheīs dressed like an old Amish maid from the Victorian age, or something like that, and youīre still at it.

Robwood (mutters): Look whoīs talking about old...

First of All: As I was trying to say... we have established that you have a physical distinctivness that separates you from the shared DNA and nanites that are the common link between drones from the UCLA.

WooHoo: UCLA?

First of All: United Censuration of Lewd Appearances. Thatīs what they have named their Federation. No doubt itīs called something else where you come from.

WooHoo: You could say that again. How come you seemed to know me and the USS Sevilia if everything is different here?

First of All: You may be unique, but you have - or had - doubles or lookalikes that we have encountered before. We didnīt really recognize the name Sevilia though, we just played along, that ship is known to us as the UCS Censorship.

LGM: UCS Censorship from the United Censuration of Lewd Appearances. I sense a thread or a theme in this discussion.

WooHoo: Yes. Me too. I think we got away just in the nick of name... ehhh... I mean time.

First of All: They are using violence to enforce their way of living on the rest of the galaxy. Civilisations and races that don’t comply gets "censored" out of existence. To resist them we have had to diversify our culture. Each cube is a single community which chooses its captain in free elections among the crew. Cubes cooperate but itīs all voluntarily and union veto often overturn a captains decision.

K1chyd: Together the pieces of puzzles are dropping.

First of All: Well, if they are I would like to hear them. Perhaps you would like to share the story of how you got here with me. But first, since he is necessary for such a storytelling of yours, let me introduce you to my number one.

Part 3: The Phantom Narrator:

A second Borg comes lowered down from the ceiling where he must have been lurking the whole time. Suddenly a fireplace is lit and bigger cozyer chairs comes up through the floor. The light is dimmed and the whole room begins to give a comfortable cabin feel to those who are in it.

Second Borg: I am 8 of 12. The Borg Narrator. Pull up a chair, sit on the floor by the fireplace and tell us the story about yourselfs.

LGM: If youīre the Narrator shouldnīt you be the one doing the storytelling?

8 of 12: I am the Borg Narrator. I will listen to your story and nitpick it. Thatīs what narrators do here. That, and stealing away credits for unique ideas.

e of Pi: Logic here sure is a bit different than they used to be in the good old days back home.

LGM: Good old days? It was just some hours ago. No more than a day, tops. And whoīs the old ones here anyway? Not you I can assure you.

K1chyd: At the halfway house on the edge of forever, father time and mother earth became lost souls in the midst of mist.

WooHoo: Sit down and shut up! All of you! And thatīs an order. We are about to enter a backlog scene and Iīll do the talking from now on. Canīt you see that everything here in visual range are beginning to get a little blurred?

8 of 12: Thank you Captain WooHoo. You may proceed.

WooHoo: Well, as far as I know it all begun yesterday when Admiral Larsen Y Nielsen and General Alfred L Havoc came onboard and revealed that they were the ones responsible for installing K1chyd onboard the USS Sevilia, and as he/it was now activated they had to evaluate its presence and performances. I told them that all the female crewmembers were beginning to be pretty tired of always finding toilet seats up all the time, but part from that he was no more annoying or insane than anyone else onboard. The Admiral and the General seemed satisfied but wanted me and K1chyd to give them the grand tour around the ship. I asked e of Pi and ThunderDragon to tag along and when we got down to engineering we found Dummy and P-feif busy with some adjustments to the interdimensional warpcore. They told us they had a theory of how the warpcore could be set so as to reach new uncharted dimensions even further away in the multiverse and gave us a lot of technobabble that we all nodded to and pretended to understand. Of course I wanted to look my best for Dummy so I took out my hairbrush and my pocket mirror and started to fix up the doo. Suddenly there was a power rush in the engineering conduits and the whole room shook. I lost grip of my mirror and it fell into the warpcore while it was still flickering and unstable. There was a small implosion in the core and small explosions in all engineering consoles and we all fell to the floor. At first that seemed to be all and we were all physically unhurt. But then, as we were all leaving to go to the mess hall for some calming and relaxing spamsnacks, it became clear that something was not right, that something had happened to those who were inside the room during the explosion.

8 of 12 (interrupting): Among my people it is considered very rude and unpolite not to leave any plotholes for nitpicking! I thought youīd never get around to one! Luckily you did because the individuals you have told me were present in the engineering room are not totally consistent with the individuals that are here now.

WooHoo: We lost some people during our escape.

8 of 12: And gained some it seems. Not very consistent.

LGM: Iīm so old, changes and fads doesn’t affect me. Not even interdimensional changes it seems. I just keep doing my job. Besides, I had just entered the room when the explosion accured.

Robwood: I also had just entered the room. I was looking for ThunderDragon and the computer told me he was down there.

ThunderDragon: I guess it was about that same old "suggestion" again?

WooHoo: What suggestion?

ThunderDragon: Ever since I got promoted to Chief Xenobiologist, Robwood here has been suggesting that I should set up a schedule of daily physical examinations of the alien babes we have onboard; Sesspit and Chia Rhino.

WooHoo (ironically): Why am I not surprised?

Robwood: Hey! Thatīs not fair. I also voluntaired my off duty hours to assist as a trainee xenobiologist. Thereīs nothing wrong with planing a career move. Nothing wrong at all.

e of Pi: Careful Captain, I think heīs about to play the hurt card.

ThunderDragon: The Hurt Card? I know of no such card and I though I had all the Pukemon collection. What did I miss?

WooHoo (sighs): May I please continue now? Please? Before this conversation gets as blurred as the visual stuff in this backlog scene.

8 of 12: Make it so!

WooHoo: Well, as I said, we were going to the Mess hall for some spamsnacks. At first we didnīt understand that something was wrong and that we no longer were in our own dimension, our own universe, but in some strange kind of mirror universe. The first one we met was HirogenHunter. He was dressed as a Hare Krishna, but since he and Dave have all sorts of weird holosimulations we just assumed he was on his way to one of those. Then we met CBM dressed as a Wall Street broker, passing us without saying a word, and I started to have a sneaking feeling that something was not right. Seconds later that feeling was confirmed when a dozen Jane-way looking jungle amazons came down the corridor towards us, singing; "tofu, tofu, tofu, lovely tofu, wonderful tofu, tofu, tofu, tofu". Behind them came Sesspit, dressed as an Amish woman, and Robwood walked up to her and started to make the moves. She wasnīt amused and called for security. A whole bunch of highspirited redshirts appeared and blocked our way. LGM and e of Pi pointed out that they could always be reincarnated later so we draw phizzers and begun to fire. They just shook it off and didnīt seem to recieve even a single scratch. If it hadnīt been for K1chyd scaring them off by open up his Vorlon envirosuit and mooning them I donīt know if we would have gotten rid of them at all.

LGM: During all my days, I have never heard such horrible screams or seen such angst in redshirt faces. Iīll never forget it.

WooHoo: Anyway, we remained where we were and started to speculate about what could be wrong. Then a second security team arrived, consisting of Corsair dressed as Robin Hood, Anubis as a Jehovas Witness, and Starseneyes & Gizmo warpainted and armed to their teeth. Starseneyes screamed "You looking at me? You looking at me?" and then she took General Havoc out of the game with her first shoot. The rest of them rushed us, starting a hand-to-hand combat. Dummy and P-fief were trying to protect me but Anubis knocked them both out with a left swing that didnīt even seem to be more than half a miss. Thatīs when I really realised how dangerous the situation was, because heīs normaly a real push-over who would easily be beaten up by a blindfolded smurf with both feet in a Mustangīs spare tire, so I ordered a retreat to the engineering room. Robwood grabbed Sesspit for a hostage but we had to leave Dummy and P-feif and General Havoc behind. The last thing we saw of them was that they were being injected with some sort of drug. They instantly got some sort of meak but selfrightious look on their faces, though I couldnīt see if anything else happened to them.

First of All: They were injected with those nanites that I mentioned earlier. Thatīs the common link between them drones. Itīs a combination of selfreplicating adrenalin production units and something they call V-Chips technology. The V-Chip bit controls their personality and the boosted adrenalin production is what sends them on their missionary missions. You could say that they are the chips on their shoulders. Your chief engineer is probably a LEGO salesman by now, or a fanatical enviromental and animal rights activist.

K1chyd: A boulder on their shoulder. A ship with their chip. Up against we are. Down against us odds.

Robwood (ironically): He such a happy camper!

WooHoo: Halfway back to engineering we found the way blocked, so our only option was en route to the shuttle bay. Since we didnīt know what we was up against we thought it was better to flee and fight another day, than fight badly and never fight again.

8 of 12: What was blocking the way?

WooHoo: OO7 Reg doing a guest appearance as an Alien Queen, the egglaying kind.

First of All: Ohhh... those are so cuddly! We have half the Animal Farm deck filled with them. The eggs are a great source for protein. And the milk they give, it tastes like Chia Rhino, whatever that is, weīre not really sure, but it tastes great!

e of Pi: I think Iīm gonna like it here!

WooHoo: Anyway, when we got to the shuttlebay we found DtEN, looking like a hippie and sitting in a meditating circle on the floor, together with some of the crickets and some psychadelically coloured specimens of spieces OU812 and spieces OU8NY. He got up, moving with speed, and started singing something about "blowing in the wind". LGM knocked him out with his own acoustic guitar and that way we got our second hostage.

8 of 12: What happened to the admirable Admiral?

LGM: They were able to get a lock on all that metal and all those medals on his chest, and beamed him out of the shuttle just as the rest of us managed to escape.

K1chyd: Opposites a tractorbeam. Opposites attract or beam.

WooHoo: The rest you already know. We took a wild guess that this really was a snapshot mirror universe to our own universe, and that you, the Borg Collective, would be our last best hope for help. And here we are.

First of All: I canīt speak for other Borg ships. But I will do my best to convince this crew of mine that this might be an opportunity for us. The line must be drawn somewhere. This might be the chance to take a stand against the strongest and most feared ship in the quadrant. A chance that might not come back so I will talk with other captains as well. Maybe some of them will join us. In the mean time, I will trust you with the hostage drones. Wait here. Iīll be back! And while you wait I will send the kitchen staff over with some tofusnacks, that is, as soon as their lunchbreak is over.

Both the Borg Queen and the Borg Narrator gets up from their chairs and leave the room. The remaining sevilians sits quiet, having a hard time taking it in that the mirror universe version of their own incompetent stumbling ship just have been described as the strongest and most feared in the quadrant.

Part 4: U-Turn of the Hentai:

Three hours and fourtysix minutes later and the show is still on the road to nowhere. The Borg Queen has not come back. Neither has the Narrator. Tofusnacks are nowhere to be seen and the sevilian refugee crew are now somewhat restless. If it hadnīt been for the deck of cards that Robwood found while frisking Sesspit one extra time the situation would have been even worse. Now they are all, just to get time going, engaged in a game of Transitional Psychology Bluff-Spoo Poker.

e of Pi: I have some Pi-cards, and a pair of circuitry cards. I open on 3.14.

ThunderDragon: I have uncountable numbers of Pukemon Cards. Donīt force me to play them. I know you wonīt like them laid out on the table. Iīll match your 3.14 and add another 251... ehhh... wait... make that 254.

Robwood: I know what I would like laid out on the table. Unfortunatelly my Navy ID Card wonīt do the trick here. Iīll pass.

LGM: I have the geriatric card and if I could only remember where I have put it I would play it. Unfortunatelly I canīt. So I too will have to pass on the buck here.

K1chyd: I have a Motörhead single CD pair of Ace of Spades and a Joker Muse. Iīll match and raise another 47 toilet seats.

WooHoo: I guess you all expect me to play the Hurt Card now, donīt you? And some of the readers too, donīt you? Ha! I donīt have to play the Hurt Card. Since Iīm the Captain I have the DisCard abailable. And Iīm playing it now. Pack it in and hand me the pot or Iīll have you all demoted to junior redshirts assigned to mopping detail!

e of Pi: You win!

ThunderDragon: Well, itīs only money anyway. OK, You win!

K1chyd: When one loose, donīt loose the lesson.

WooHoo: Thatīs five in a row now, and in some sense, thatīs almost like robwooding. Since it is now my turn to deal out the cards and choose the game I guess I have to give you loosers a break. This next deal will be short hand Poker. Gentlemen, ready your wallets! I open on 7 plus-minus 2.

LGM: Short hand Poker? I have a big feeling about this.

Robwood: Stop all this oxymoronic glossing and just hint me!

Suddenly the Borg Queen/King/Hermaphrodite comes back into the room at high speed. Literally high speed since this time she/he/it has gotten the male body replaced by a Harley Davidsson Motorcycle.

e of Pi: Whereīs 8?

K1chyd: Corner Pocket?

The door opens again and itīs the Narrator 8 of 12, on rollerblades.

8 of 12 (grumbling): This is really not fair! Why should I have to use second class material? Noone cares about me, I wish that for once I could be just a little pampered.

K1chyd: The damp ramps for pampīs his stamp.

First of All: Does this idiot ever shut up?

WooHoo: I donīt think so. Heīs like those energizer bunnies that just keep going, and going, and going...

First of All: Weīre about to get going all of us. Three other Free Borg Cube Communities have agreed to engage with us in a joint venture spacebattle against the UCS Censorship: The UBS Multiculturalism under command of Captain But of Course. The UBS Full Frontier Nudity under command of Captain Back of Mymind. And surprisingly enough; The UBS Laisses Faire under command of Captain Fuck of Yobaestards.

WooHoo: But how will that get us back to our own universe? Do you have any sort of plan?

First of All: We are Borg! We donīt need a plan. Planing is futile. We just make things up as we go along. Assimilating ideas randomly. We actually have no idea how to get you back to your mirror universe. Maybe if we can take the ship without blowing it up you can try to recreate the accident and hope to reverserse the transition.

K1chyd: Some plan... some ran.

LGM (sighs): Thatīs the curriculum youīve come up with? Iīm waaaay too old for this!

WooHoo: Is there any chance we can board them and smoke them out from inside?

K1chyd: No smoke without flames, no strokes without maims.

e of Pi: Not another flameboard plan! I will not participate there.

First of All: Actually, some of our superintelligent, supersophisticated allies have already suggested a plan along those lines. They were on their way back home from one of our "free will vs predetermination" seminars, but then they heard about this situation they made a u-turn and came here offering to help. We always encourage individual initiativs like that so we are letting them set up a boarding party cloning lab down on subcube level 254 right now as we speak.

ThunderDragon: What allies might that be?

8 of 12: The Pukemon race from the Kantojohto sector and the Hentai federation. Thereīs also a full deck of Rattata and Pidgey exchangeprogram students onboard the UBS Multiculturalism. They were offered to leave before they set course for our position, but decided to stay in the game.

ThunderDragon: What kind of Pukemons are those superintelligent allies of yours? Ehhh... Ours!

First of All: Some are Snorlaxes, some are Psydorks, some are Prostates and some are Togepis. Though I might remember their names a bit wrong. Their leader is a Horta named Naraht. As all Hortas heīs an Artificial Intelligens and Communications expert.

LGM: Horta is a race of communication experts?

First of All: As intelligent, adaptive and FX as they come in this universe.

ThunderDragon: Back home those Pukemons are as dumb as a rock. Sometimes as dumb as the average "Temptation Spacestation" watcher.

WooHoo: You mentioned a cloning lab?

First of All: Yes, even if you manage to board the Censorship, odds in your favour would be as unheard of as the sound of an old fart during a Motörhead concert. The main part of the ships officers might be a bunch of useless wimps, current party excepted of course, but its crew of redshirts are practically immortal. The best you can hope for is to knock them out for a couple of hours. And then thereīs that first officer Anubis. That guy never looses out in a hand-to-hand combat. As far as we know noone has ever managed to knock him over and out.

LGM: Now we know for sure that this is THE mirror universe!

First of All: So, what the Pukemon cloning experts are doing right now is to fastgrow a number of clones of the six of you. We got your DNA during examinations earlier and it came in handy for this. They will also manipulate the clonesīs brains so as they can be controlled via remote. Our technicians are setting up a battlecentral unit room. If we manage to beam them onboard the Censorship you will be able to see through their eyes and controll them and their weapons through joysticks. It will resemble an old PC-game from the dark ages, something called Quake, maybe you heard of it. Anyway, hopfully the amount of clones will be enough to overtake the entire ship and knock every single redshirt, and Anubis, down and out. But you must be prepared to handle heavy losses during the shoot-out.

Robwood: How many lifes do we get?

First of All: Lifes?

Robwood: How many clones of each of us?

First of All: Weīre using our full supply of cloning protoplasma. Preliminary calculations estimate it will make for 74 units per one of you. Making a total boarding force of 444. Though some exemplars may come too dysfunctional to be used as anything else than diversion manoeuvre cannonfodder.

K1chyd: Last clone standing...

e of Pi: So it will be them drones against our clones? Sounds as we will be getting a fighting chance.

LGM: Any chance of us moving along to the spacebattle scene now? Iīm not getting any younger you know!

8 of 12: Make it so!

Part 5: Attack of the Jonesīs:

Since the writer of this eppy is really lousy at creating tension and action sequenses, and since EofS - Creator of Dramatic Tension - in this mirror universe is onboard the UCS Censorship as a Creator of the Hopelessly Boring and Blatantly Obvious, spending most of her time hanging out with Smiley and Hyperbole - Envoy of the Shabbyshack of Normal - this chapter will only be a very short description of what would have, in the "normal" sevspace universe, been the longest and most dramatic spacebattle ever. After teaming up with the other three cubes the UBS Herald of free Enterprise takes the lead and set course for Earth Sector 999. Inside Censuration space they, but not the other three ships, drops out of transwarp and 74 minutes later, in a starsystem called Lamb 953, they are being hailed by the Censorship and its acting captain Anubis. In the now upset battlecentral a woozy panfluit signal is coming on as an audio blinker that Teal Alert is called for.

8 of 12: They are hailing us!

First of All: On screech!

Anubis (on screen): I am Anubis of ISO. Lewd, crewd and rude life as you know it is over. From now on your profane servers will service us. Prepare to be boarded. Resistance is futile. If necessary, I will personally kick your sev to make you comply.

First of All: ISO?

Anubis: Interdimensional Standardisation Organisation. Now that we have technology allowing us to travel to the mirror universe we have redefined our ongoing mission and our Purifying Directive. As soon as we have taken care of re-assimilating the six of our former comrades, and this pathetic cube, we will send you and the others back to your own universe to do our job over there too. It will be the best for both worlds. Our new chief engineer, Lt com [Sev]-Brainiac, is preparing the transition as we speak. Now, will you come peacefully or do I have to take off the gloves?

LGM: That was some piece of good and bad news at the same time.

Robwood: I donīt get it!

e of Pi: And never you will, if they succed.

K1chyd: After things go from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.

ThunderDragon: For a mirror universe, baddys sure do give away much too much information, just like back home.

Gizmo (is heard from somewhere behind Anubis): Why do you waste your breath on them? Canīt we just blast them away? I havenīt killed any heathens in several days!

Anubis: Iīm sorry you had to hear that. My counsellour is somewhat a triggerhippie. Violence is her answer to everything. Unless you surrender though, I might take her advice and unleash some armed group counselling on your crew.

Robwood: Theyīve got Dummy on their engineering side now. At least that gives us a narfing change.

e of Pi: Yeah, he might burn some curcuits and modems while setting things up.

WooHoo: Naee, over here heīll probably do a perfect job. On first attempt. On every occasion.

Robwood: The good news is that we get to go home whether we win or loose.

LGM: Unless we die first!

K1chyd: Home is where you lay your thoughts.

Robwood: Happycamping is spreading, I hear.

First of All: Donīt give up just yet. Now itīs our turn to give them something to think about.

8 of 12: About time! While you were discussing they have already blown away our Caddilac wings and set the painted flames on fire. Real fire!

First of All: Send the signal.

8 of 12 pushes a comsignal button and suddenly the other three cubes drops out of transwarp. They begin to circle around the Censorship like indians around a prairie wagon, kinda suitable since the ship is filled with moral frontier pioneers. However, due to Borg incompatibility the cubes begin circling in different directions and two of them - the UBS Multiculturalism and the UBS Full Frontier Nudity - immediately collides and blows up. Inside the battlecenter consols light up like a flipperboard on 47:th free ball.

First of All: Damage report!

8 of 12: Two cubes lost. Randoms lifesigns in airfilled pockets. 747474 individual borgs lost on impact. 90210 Pidgeys and 251254 Rattatas lost on impact. Massive amounts of debris will FAQ up the sonsors RSN.

ThunderDragon: (breaks down in tears): Noooooooooo!!!

WooHoo: I get less and less impressed with this Borg non-efficiency. You didnīt even bother to match circling patterns, did you?

First of All: *Coughs twice*

8 of 12: Captain! Captains! Itīs the Censorship! They are beaming survivors out of the debris!

K1chyd: Debrie - The Cheese of the Next Generation.

WooHoo: Take that Cheese to sickbay and serve it some Poopsi. But do it later. Weīre busy right now, in case you havenīt noticed.

LGM: Did you actually say that they were picking up survivors while we are still shooting at them?

8 of 12: Yes! They are so self-confident that they are actually taking the time to take prisoners while under heavy fire from two cubes!

e of Pi: That is just two much. I thought we had a chance but we might as well pack it in now.

K1chyd: Opportunity is a shattered window. Miss fortune is a broken gate.

WooHoo: Please! No Micro$oft or Billgatus puns.

K1chyd: Today is a good day to hide.

ThunderDragon: Hide?

K1chyd: Hideride. Highride.

WooHoo: Yes! I got it. This really, really, really is a mirror universe because I actually understand you perfect now. Quick! Lock on to the remaining pockets of survivors and beam all our combatclones over there. The Censorship will take them onboard. We can get them to do our job for us!

First of All: I told you planing was futile. It will all work out in the end. We are Borg. It always does.

LGM: But some of them pockets are collapsing! Wonīt we loose a lot of clones before they get picked up?

WooHoo: So what? They are only substandard substitute sevilians. Do you have a better idea?

LGM: No, not right now.

WooHoo: Make it so then. Maximum beaming spread to survival pockets. We donīt wanna put all our easter bunny eggs in one basket.

K1chyd: Basket chase or basket case or just in case, that is the jeopardy answer. What was the question?

WooHoo: Shut up everybody and grab your joysticks. Ready to engage in armed battle on my command. Eight?

8 of 12: All 444 clones have been spread over the survival pockets. 111 were lost before being picked up. Among them all the K1chyds so you have to handle those redshirts without his mooning. The remaining 333 clones were beamed onboard the Censorship but Iīm picking up 666 signals from within the ship.

WooHoo: Why?

8 of 12: Probably one of those frequent transporter accidents that doubles people. The extra clones are all under my control and Iīm rerouting them to your joysticks now. I guess it was just one of those lucky coinsidents.

K1chyd: Clones from clones they are.

WooHoo: 666 clones and Anubis is a Jehovas Witness over here! Heīs gonna defecate his pants!

8 of 12: We can differ them from the original clones. I have just renamed their files to "Jones" and a number. And visual is coming online now. Ready?

e of Pi: Last one to kill a bad guy buys the beer!

LGM: First blood or last detention!

Robwood: Let the fragfestivities begin!

WooHoo: Fire at and good will hunting!

ThunderDragon: No more Mr Nice Guy!

K1chyd: Sev you on the other side!

Everybody simultaniously: Yeee-Haaa!!!

What follows then is almost undescribable. The clones shoot their way out of the different cargobays where they were gathered, and spread out through the Censorship like black on rice. LGM:s original clone number 47 gets first kill when he runs into the Wall Street Broker CBM and, to close to fire, decapitates him with a report card that he quickly draws from somewhere up his sleeve. Suddenly aware of the danger within Anubis blows the cargobaysīs outer ports and the last 147 clones and Jonesīs are being sucked into space together with the cargobay packers Nanoprobe, Leander and Logic. Redshirts eager to fight come rushing from all directions. Some even let themselves be sucked into space so they can go after the lost clones, not realising that the enemy is not as immortal as themselves. E of Pi directs all his clones to the Mess Hall and after running over and knocking out all the redshirts there he commands the remaining 10 over to Ten Forward where they fight it out with Arachnia and her Heavy Metal Gospel Quartet. Initial fighting is intensive all over the ship but the clones are quickly getting the upper hand in terms of conquered areas. Captured enemy weapons and weapons lost by their own side is also being picked up by 47 undressed Borg saved from the UBS Full Frontal Nudity, now joining the battle and acting on their own. Redshirts are being knocked out and being secured but clone losses are high and the Censorshipīs shields are still up, preventing reinforcements to be beamed in from the two cubes. Luckily - and as predicted - officers are easier targets than redshirts. 24/7 - who in this mirror universe is named "15 minutes a day" - is found asleep in his quarters. Dr Chris is found to be a quack - literally living among the crickets - and DJB is a meek vet specialising in bananaflies and mosquitos. The Reincarnation Unit is being run by the Grim Reaper and is easily taken and secured once his scythe gets stuck in the old skullbones of a LGM Jones. The Hollowdeck is found to be a library of pictures showing Sesspit and Chia Rhino modelling in different forms of religious clothing. A bunch of Robwood clones and Jonesīs team up to torch the place with flamethrowers, literally turning that part of the battle - and Chimera the Real Estate Agent - into a flamewar casualty. Dougyo never gets to have his day because he is being used as a human shield by Trideos, ljsbeertje and Thīkya when the last bunch of naked Borg are taking over their creation research lab. 5618 on the other side is being used as an unhuman shield by Sinkau, MaryDee and Joeno fighting off the first attack on the bridge, but all four being killed in the process before Anubis manages to take out all the incoming clones. Starseneyes - and HirogenHunter hiding under her skirts - manages to retreat and joins him at holding the fort right there. Chia Rhino, Eofs and TGW try to do the same but when almost safe, in the last turbolift, the floor collapse under them because of Chias 800 kilogram body and TGW:s 150 kilogram Microsoft shrine. Only EofS manage to hang on and pull herself up, getting inside with the other three. With all ways in or out being destroyed those bridge drones become trapped and all the remaining clones and Jonesīs joins a finally succesfull redshirt knocking around the ships corridors. With the immediate threat from Anubis gone, WooHoo and LGM soon decide to team up their remaining forces for a joint attack on the also heavily defended main engineering. After a fifteen minute stalemate a sudden narf in defensive organisation offers a break and they all storm in. When the smoke settles the two remaining WooHoos and the three remaining LGM:s have captured and secured everyone inside including Dummy, P-feif, the General and the Admiral. The last remaining e of Pi clone enters the room, followed by the last Robwood, and walks up to a console, hitting a few buttons, taking all the Censorships weaponry offline along with the shields. A real Borg boarding team is beamed onboard simultaniously to the four remaining drones on the bridge being locked on to, beamed out, and keept in a transporter pattern buffer.

Part 6: For the Being, the Time Being:

Itīs a few hours later. Dummy, P-feif, the General and the Admiral have been cured by having the V-chip nanites removed from their bodys. Not really originating from this universe and not being under the influence very long they didnīt need more treatment than that. Unfortunatelly the original crew of the Censorship couldnīt be cured the same way so the survivors are being taken as prisoners of war. With four exceptions. Which is why First of All pays a visit in the Censorships main engineering just as the original sevilians prepare to go home.

WooHoo: Welcome onboard! Have you come to tell us that you have changed your mind about the ship?

First of All: No, Iīm sorry. We still intend to blow it up as soon as you are gone. This has always been a ship of surprises and with you and your knowledge gone we donīt wanna take any chances.

K1chyd: The branches of chances is a firm but a fart.

LGM: You still have the surviving clones and Jonesīs. Remove the remote and see if they develop our free will and determination.

First of All: We did. They did. And they decided to leave together with the Pukemon cloning experts.

e of Pi: What?

First of All: They took a democratic vote. E of Pi clone wanted to stay with us. Robwood and LGM:s and WooHoos wanted to go back with you. But ThunderDragons wanted to go and live on the Pukemon homeworld. All eight of them.

K1chyd: Democrazyness said Bill. Demographiness said Bull.

WooHoo: So he had majority?

First of All: Yes. Eight to Six. E of Pi:s vote didnīt make any differense.

e of Pi: How come there was more surviving clones of him alone than all five of us together?

First of All: Actually there wasnīt. All his clones packed it in almost as fast as K1chydīs. But those eight were killed in the redshirt quarters and immediately resurrected as immortal redshirts. We donīt know how or why that happened. We didnīt even understood before we brougt them back. But you should be glad it happened. They actually cleaned out the main part of those redshirt decks for the rest of you.

ThunderDragon: Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I was a normal redshirt back home until just recently. Some remaining personality from that period might have FAQ:ed up the cannonfodder/immortality mirror transversion thingie?

First of All: This mirror universe stuff is not easy to adapt to and assimilate. Iīm sure glad your all leaving. Both you and the clones.

WooHoo: Did you came over here just to tell us that?

First of All: No. I have come to offer you this. You might be able to use it as a weapon against your enemies back home.

LGM: It looks like an ordinary 1.4 Terraquad diskette to me. What is it?

First of All: It is. But it contains the transporter pattern buffer of Anubis the immortal, Stareneyes the Soldier of Fortune, Eofs the Creator of the Hopelessly Boring and HirogenHunter the Hare Krishna. We donīt wanna take the risk to activate Anubis so we were gonna destroy this, but then 8 of 12 suggested that we should offer it to you instead.

LGM: Why?

First of All: You might be able to use it as a weapon back home. From what you have told me I understand that your universe is no picknick either. It might come in handy one day.

WooHoo: But they were trying to kill us! Or at least assimilate us!

First of All: All weapons have their risks. They were also loyal crewmembers of this ship, which in your universe is your ship. I didnīt say it would make a standard weapon. You wont know how or if it will work until you use it.

K1chyd: A genie in a bottle to be stored for a rainy thursday.

First of All: Something like that.

LGM: Iīm not sure about this...

K1chyd: The show must go home.

WooHoo: All right! Weīll take it. We can always keep it looked up in some safe onboard the Sevilia.

LGM: As if thereīs such a thing as a safe place or a safe safe onboard the Sevilia...

K1chyd: Safe Invaders get the Poing!

e of Pi: Pac it up Man!

First of All (hands WooHoo the diskette): I have to go now. Goodbye and good luck to all of you. I hope we never meet again. Or at least that our universes never meet again. Iīm not sure either of them would survive the clash.

WooHoo: So far, so good, so do we.

First of All beams out of engineering and back to her own cube. The sevilians make some last preparations. Since the technology needed have been improved by dummy they donīt have to recreate the original accident with the mirror falling into the warpcore, which is double luck since in this mirror universe all the sevilian women were so darn ugly that all forms of mirrors were forbidden onboard the ship. After running some final diagnostics they activate the machinery and everyone gets stunned by a flash sweaping through the room and knocking them to the floor. When they get up nothing seems different at first, but when they leave the room the first thing they see is a bunch of Vikings that suddenly comes walking round a corner.

Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam...

e of Pi: All Right! Weīre Back! Weīre Back!!

Vikings: Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam...

WooHoo: And now for something completely different...

LGM: Wait!

K1chyd: He who waits more, will achieve age more.

WooHoo: What?

K1chyd: The path from bitterness to betterness is en route inbetween.

LGM: We havenīt done an Abbot and Costello routine yet!

e of Pi: What?

K1chyd: Heīs on first burst.

ThunderDragon: Who?

K1chyd: Heīs on second just this instant.

General Havoc: What?

K1chyd: Heīs on his way to third base with Sesspit!

Robwood: Who?!!

K1chyd: Heīs on time. But this eppy is on overdue.

WooHoo: I never thought Iīd say this, but for once we are in agreement. Even in this universe. And youīre right. Itīs about time. Are you ready for the gross impact?

All: Weīre Ready!

WooHoo: All Right! Here she comes!

The Fat Lady (sings): "Weīre a poor lonesome Sevcrew, and a long way from home..."

AND ITīS OVER



© Peter Andersson 2001

   

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