Those excited reports yesterday about the amazing archeological discovery of the first ever complete Pharao´s Royal Barge might have been premature. I have no idea how that romour got started, says Sevfleet Admiral JC from his current location on Mars, and doesn´t it strike you as odd - to say the least - that it was said to be located under the porch of my ancestors house in Australia! The pharaos lived in Egypt for crying out sev! However, according to our source, Deep Throat Anubis, who want to remain in the shadows, it´s all a lame attempt to do a late cover-up. Think about it, he says, to get to Australia from Egypt they must have used some technology that we previously didn´t know that they had at that time. Of course Sevfleet wants to look at that behind closed doors. That part of Oz is now crawling with men in black, I can´t even come near anymore. Full Story

Following the installation of the poem "Ten little talibans" at the Sevilian Arts Museum yesterday, Taliban Parallel Universe ambassador mr Trash bin Laden called a press conference and launched a protest. This is outrageous, stated mr Laden. Just because talibanism is an almost forgotten historical sect in this universe doesn´t mean you have the right to make fun of us like this. In our universe it is the only ism whatsoever since we exterminated the last heathens, and it requires respect. The fact that everyone over there except me died in the process doesn´t change anything and if this installation isn´t removed I might have to take drastic measures. Exactly what measures he was refering to was never clarified because he suddenly fell ill and died from talibantrax, the most common disease in his universe. And then there were none. Full Story

Health officials of the Severation are blowing the horn that last month´s shocking revelation of the eleventh commandment; "You shall not masturbate or I will kill a kitten", might be the striking hand that brings back the medieval plague. No matter what master baiters and doggystyle lovers think, says fly circus minister Job Wrighthand, it´s a well known fact that pussies´ are mans best friend. But after this alarm I think people in general will be less kean to look out for the pussies of this nation. And if their number is decreased the table will again be open for those pestiferous rats that once did what the talibans can now only dream of. When confronted with this warning and the theory that Usama bin Laiden might be behind a conspiracy to drive out western pussies into the wild, the Pope himself had only one thing to say; "Rats". Though it was never clear whether he said it with a "!" or a "?". Full Story

The unsuspected and shameful electional success for the openly racist party in the Denmark sector on Earth has sent tremors of fear throughout the sectors cricket population. They are leaving as fast as they can, says cricket spokeswoman Th´kya. Luckily the worldwide sevilian aid organisation has come to the rescue and already three refugee camps have been set up. One at Sesspit´s house, for the male crickets. One at Leander´s, for the females. And one at Fizbop´s, for those undeterminal. Right now, many of the crickets are very scared and prefere to stay inside, says Th´kya. However, I expect that to be a phase. In fact, some of them has already been encouraged to come out. Especially among them over att Fizbops house. Full Story

Yes, I have been offered the position as Special Project PHB at Sevfleet Psychobabble Research Foundation, says USS Sevilia medical officer 24/7. And I have decided to accept it. It´s a career opportunity. I always worked with the best of the best. And now I will also be working with the worst of the worst. Minds that is. This Foundation Project is about using new cryo-technology to resurrect the last part of that Ricky Lake Show audience and guests that caused Hell to freeze over early in the 21:th century. Examining those minds - and bodies - is a dream come true. Some would say a nightmare, but as Pointy Haired Boss I get the power to delegate as I see fit. Full Story

A disgusting accident accured yesterday evening in the USS Sevilia´s Messhall when the spamloving Vikings suddenly got sick and started to throw up all over the place. We´re still not really sure what happened, says nightshift commander Leander, but we might have to reinstall pukeboxes after this. Ensign Maryshelley, our Viidian Exchange Program Student, entered the mess hall with a new nose, which, due to a nose shortage in the R U Sick?-Bay, had been beamed onboard from the cryochamber of Michael Jackson. When the ensign´s nose suddenly fell off it somehow spread the BadTrans virus disease and immediately affected all the Vikings and caused them to lose their stomach. The absence of pukeboxes caused the vomit level to rise quickly, panic struck, the doors became blocked and several ensigns, among them ensign Doggy Spew, drowned before we were able to beam them out. Full Story

Trying to boost morale onboard the WooHoo-empty USS Sevilia, Mess Hall Chief e of Pi threw a promotion party of the more unusual kind for the new Captain Anubis and his guest of horror from the Next Generation, Barf. To keep the surprise as long as possible, e of Pi first served the somewhat disheartened crew what he claimed to be just what they needed to get ticking again: some red-blooded, roasted all-American heart with a three-foot stake that tasted just like Chia Rhino to everyone, not just himself. Having had that followed up with some self-combusting flame-broiled meatballs a la Robwood and little green drinks, some of the crew, with Ann E. Nichols and Th´kya in the lead, carefully uttered their suspicion that something was rotten in the state of Denmark. Looking somewhat shaken, but not stirred, e of Pi quickly confessed that this was a Surprise Donner Party, and that he had prepared different dishes from all the crew´s clones that he had bought from the planet Genosis. However disgusting that may have seemed under normal conditions, the crew, badly intoxicated by their initial Belcome Whack Old Fart-style drinks; lost all inhibitions, took the bite, and began a food chain of command attack on the clones in the backroom preparation areas of the Mess Hall. Soon Nemesis and Ann E. Nichols found themselves staring at each other as they were munching on each other´s throats. Anubis could be seen digging down deep in the last remains of the Old Fart. Agent-D sucked down redshirt blood by the necks and litres. Newtburgers and Hot Dougyos where thrown on top of Sesspit´s Barbie-Q and the phrase; "Lend me a hand will you" quickly became the fastest outworn injoke in the ship´s history. If it hadn´t been for Security Chief Corsair, arriving late after having thrown a surprise dress code check in the female ensigns´ quarters, the whole thing might have gone totally to everybody´s heads. Realising the bad aftertaste they would all soon come down with, he quickly activated K1chyd´s mobile holographic transmitter and, so to speak, poured some gourmet-killing ketchup over the leftovers and their remains. Finding no honorable Gagh to finish off with, the whole thing then ended with Barf leaving the ship, swearing that he would never eat anything dead again. Full Story

The cloning of old Tobacco Cases lawyers from the 20:th century has sparked new fire into the long overdue case of Redshirts vs The Severation. This will be the decisive year, says redshirt spokesman Ensign Disposable. Finally we will be given the life insurance benefits and new uniforms that we have been waiting for for a hundred years. Our new lawyers are amazing. We have already noted that the judges is beginning to see our side of the matter more clearly. And the jury is so visually positive that attorneys on the other side are now concentrating on getting as many of them as possible to be replaced. Kinda like sending them on away missions if you like. When asked to comfirm we got a "no comments" from defence team spokeswoman Admiral Hillary "Gunny" Whitwhater. Other sources with insight into the process confirm that the two parts are talking directly to each other again. One of the sources states; "I expect them to soon reach a settlement, and then start a colony there. Narf! Narf!" Full Story

A false mad pig alarm sent shockwaves through the spam industry yesterday. Spamdaq dropped more than 500 poings before it was revealed that it was all a misunderstanding. I´m deeply sorry, said Spamdaq analyst Berzerker Viking III, but it seems that "someone" used our computers to send a private e-mail to some friends. That e-mail unfortunately went out to everyone in the entire adress book, and because it contained the lyrics to Spinal Tap´s upcoming new single "Spam Farm Woman", the chain of misunderstandings started rolling. When asked about if "someone" had been fired, Mr Viking smiled and replied, we bought the record company that carries Spinal Tap. "Someone" is now the new drummer. Full Story

In a desperate attempt to save the almost bankrupt company, Pukemon Inc today called a press conference and announced a merge with also threatened Vivid Video Antics and Taco. The new company, yet unnamed, will try to remain in business by targeting a more adult audience. The first new product will be a series of Pukemon cards featuring all new monsters like Spandex, Cleavagex, Nippler, Dildox, Nailerex, Leatherstudder, Pushapp, Tarty and Wetream. When asked about his opinion on this, Pokemon expert Lieutenant ThunderDragon first broke down in tears. After recovering he wanted to make a statement. This is a criminal decision, he said, made by adolescent brains who should have been put to sleep a long time ago. Us longtime shareholders will not put up with this. We will be on them like a shotgun wedding until they all unite and take the decision back. If they try to run we will catch them. We will catch them all! Full Story

If there was any doubts before the Sevlebrity Deathmatch Tournament about who is the master this year, those doubts are now gone as The Great Wizzard took his third victory in a row. The semi-final against the crickets became a walk over, literary for those who understand the word Splatt, and he was through to the final. In the other corner of the final ring was Dummy, who also had a pretty easy semi-final against the colorful Fizbop. Once Dummy had removed those colours Fizzy´s coach gave up and threw in the towel. In the final the two combatants hooked up their computers against one another and sent scripts and trojan viruses too gain control. Dummy did well for a first time finalist but was in the end no match for "Old Penguin". When asked about his future in the game Wizzard said that he´s taking one tournament at the time, but that he definitely have no plans of attacking Francis Mirandas record of 47 tournament victories in a row. Full Story

The organizers of the yearly Sevilian Miss Wet T-shirt competition has kicked out permanent jury member Robert Underwood because of accusations from runner up contestant miss Bambi Bigguns. I really can´t talk about it, says miss Bigguns attorney, miss Goldie Digger, herself a former winner, but we have a hotel security video showing mr Underwood arriving at miss Bigguns hotel the evening before the competition, and you can guess yourself what kind of a proposition he had to offer her at that time. Mr Underwood himself is currently not available for comments but through his lawyer, mr Johnny Cockroach, he sends the following message to the press; All I did was to suggest to miss Bigguns my interest in an appropriate relation. And I have not been kicked out of the organization. They have replaced me on my own request. Shuttle Pilot on the USS Sevilia has become a full time job and I can no longer perform my duties the way the contestants have the right to expect. Full Story

Due to a misunderstanding that was caused by either nefarious intent or plain bad luck, the view depending on who you ask, a bunch of British Sevilians on their way over to Trideos birthday party took the advice of the ancient spiritual confuzzling guide K1chyd that they could use a shortcut starting "where the sun don´t shine" and ended up right in the middle of a violent suburb football riot somewhere in England. At first we thought it was just a bunch of mundane demonstrators who had gotten lost on their way home after rallying on May 1, said DtEN, but then we all got stormed by some local police swat team trying to beat the living narf out of us. Anubis and EofS tried to set them straight by shouting "Don´t hurt us, don´t hurt us, we´re anti-communists" but that only made things worse ´cos they shouted back something like "We don´t care what kind of communists you are" and started hitting us with their german beersausage nightsticks. When asked how they managed to escape, DtEN reluctantly stopped showing off his bruises and declared that they all had Nemesis and Assassin to thank. The two of them had fallen a bit behind and when they saw what happened up front they stepped up to the swat team chief and demanded to be informed about the water canon´s capacity in litres and metres. The whole group of policemen was called back to collectively help their chief calculate that and during the following debate all the Sevilians managed to sneak away. No cake or gifts was severely damaged during the incident. Full Story

Terran: Respected variations all over.
Klingon: Bloody warm.
Romulan: Cloaking clouds.
Vulcan: Melting snow.
The Q Continuum: Very irritating.
The Borg: Probably irrelevant.
Ferengi: Profitable rain.
Maqui: Not acceptable.
Bajoran: Unforgetable.
Jem Hadar: Massive thunder.
Cardassian: Four clouds.
Kazon: Bad hair day.