The day after the night before
© PETER A / JONATHON X


BONUS QUOTE:
"I may be lying in a gutter, but I´m looking up
at the stars."

OSCAR WILDE
 
This is another sf-novell set in the same universe as "Grrrl's night out". This one was co-written by me and an American living in the south of USA. But maybe the dialogue gives that away. :-)


Once upon a time in a galaxy far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far, far away, on a planet called Suuiiden that was so unbelievably primitive that its inhabitants considered black-and-white TV as their foremost achievement, a stand-up comedian named Roffe Bengtsson recorded an on-stage act called "The day after the night before". It instantly became a worldwide hit and made it into their folklore.

For an outsider that routine didn´t seem fancy in any way. It featured just Roffe himself and a table and a stationary telephone. Nothing more. However, because of its sevahol-related content that every Suuiide man, woman and child could relate to, the whole thing actually lived on in the subconscious subspace anomaly that was created when the planet itself was mega-nuked and destroyed during un uprising towards their leading class of tax collectors and evil social studies teachers.

Millions and millions and millions of years later that subspace anomaly came drifting into the realm of the Severation, bounced against a forgotten eightball from an abandoned game of interdimensional ultra-cricket, and headed out into normal space where it manifested itself physically in the garlic part of a couple of beer-sausages onboard the USS Sevilia.

Some days later, during a party arranged by Captain Big Mouth, those beer-sausages were devoured by his old friend Captain Redneck. And so history began repeating itself. The next morning Captain Redneck woke up all alone in one of the deserts on the planet Optima Hangover in the Naevaer Egaen System. All alone and equipped with nothing more than his officer´s uniform and his combadge:

-H'lo?

Pause.

-H'lo?

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-H'lo? Ennywun? H'lo?

Pause.

-Look lahk Ah'm uhlown.

Pause.

-Uhh, uhh, uhh, ahh, ahh, ai, ai, ai...

Pause.

-Lowd hev mussy! Mah haid!

Pause.

-It muss be two saziz to smawl.

Pause.

-Uhh, uhh...

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-Ah wunder wer Ah wuz yest'rd'y...

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-Uhh, less see, wuzn'Ah et CBM´s?

Pause.

-Gud ol' CBM!

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-Uhh, mah haid!

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-Ah wunder who else was'a thar?

Pause.

-Less see if'n Ah cain do this rationonelly.

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-If'n I wuz et CBM´s...

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-Then, doggonit, Ah wuz thar!!

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-An' CBM!!

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-Thass three!

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-Musta bin uthers, musta bin uthers...

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-Them who'a carried me inta that thar turbalift thingy an' away to the trenspludder and beamed me...

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-Durn, it musta bin quat a party!

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-Ohh, ohh, ai, ai, ai...

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-Ah wunder if'n Capt'n WooHoo wuz thar?

Pause.

-Or enny o' them Ali'n Babes?

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-Ah's could cawl him up'n esk!!!

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-Yessir! Thass wut Ah´ma gunna do!

Captain Redneck taps his combadge.

-H'lo, CBM?

Pause.

-H'lo, iss me!

Pause.

-Iss yer ol' fren!

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-Ehh... ehh... wait a durn minit...

He checks the nametag on his own uniform.

-Iss Capt'n Redneck!

Pause.

-Ehh... ehh... howya doin'?

Pause.

-Thankya kindly fer eskin. A bit o' a headache behind the left ibrow but utherwase...

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-Y'kno', it musta bin pritty wald yest'rd'y, there´s a piec'a wallpaper in mah pockit...

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-Cain Ah esk ya sumthin' CBM? Did Ah hev a gud tahm?

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-Ah sed so m'se'f! Grait! Grait!

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-Ah did wut?

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-Raght, yeh, maybe Ah shunta dun thet, yeh...

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-Straight out through th' winder?

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-Y'kno' CBM, in thet cais Ah´m shur gled thar wuzn ennywun on th' uther sahd.

Pause.

-Thar wuz?

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-But CBM, who opin th' dang winder fer me?

Pause.

-It wuzn opin?

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-Wut?

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-Berthday gift frum Adm'r'l JayCee!

Pause.

-But ya cain probly git unuther wun juss th' saim, nex' tahm we hev t' stop et a Ferengi tradin' stayshun. Thet way Adm'r'l JayCee won´t notiss if'n he shud heppen t' come bah an'...

Pause.

-He wuz thar?

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-It seems Ah cain r'memb'r all th' details...

Pause.

-Hey, about unuther thing, wuzn thar ennything rong with them laghts? Ah think Ah r'memb'r thet ever'thing sudd'nly wint black wen...

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-Ah did?

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-Ah did?

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-Ah did?

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-But in thet case yer drinks musta bin way too strong! Y'kno' thet I cain handle...

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-Alreddy wen Ah caim?

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-Ah cain r'memb'r all th' d'tails.

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-But now Ah r'memb'r wah Ah cald ya. Ah wanid t' ask ya if'n Cap'n WooHoo wuz thar er if...

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-Bein' Cap'n fer One Year celibrayshun party?

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-Now Ah r'memb'r!!!

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-Did she hev a gud tahm. Ah mean, did she injoy th' party y'all hed arayng'd fer her an'...

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-Ah shud be th' wun t' kno' best???

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-But thet Ah musta dun t' cheer her up!

Pause.

-But CBM! Y'kno' thet Ah luv Cap'n WooHoo...

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-No, not en thet way, Ah luv her in th' saim way ez Ah luv ya's an'...

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-No, not in theta way!!!

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-Ah did wut?

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-T' Sesspit?

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-In the cleevige?!

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-Thet explains th' m'sterius dissiperints o' thet grog!

Pause.

-Raght, yeh.

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-Raght, yeh.

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-Well, Ah r'memb'r serchin' fer it...

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-Well, ya cain´t serch everwhar!

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-Ah did serch everwhar?

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-But juss a mahner cais o' sycilogica' trahma, raght?

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-Sevdated fer a cupl'a days...

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-But she´ll be fahn then, raght?

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-Raght, yeh...

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-Raght, yeh...

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-Y'kno' CBM, this musta bin wun helluva party, we hev t' do it agin an'...

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-CBM! Don' crah!

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-Now lissin t' me CBM! As soon as Ah´m back onbord Ah´m comin' over t' yer's fer supper. If'n you hev sum o' thet sevahol lef' we cen pour oursefs a coupla big...

Pause.

-CBM? CBM? H'lo? CBM? H'lo?

Pause.

Captain Redneck turns to the camera:

-He juss up'n hunged up!

Pause.

-Maybe he hed areddy drank wut´s lef'.

Pause.

-Damn! Sum peepl rilly don' kno when to stop!

THE END



© Peter A / Jonathon X 2002

   

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