OPENING SCENE: USS Sevilia comes gliding quietly through space. Suddenly it picks up tremendous speed and at the same time totally loses directional controll. For a few seconds itīs course seems to be totally random. Itīs all over the place like a threedimensional rollercoster without physical bounderies. The picture then changes to an onboard view of the Sevilian crew, all coming down green from the hasty ride, except Little Green Man who of course was already green from the beginning, and therefore not effected.

LGM: Captain, shall I give my report?

WooHoo (slowly): Ehhh... Wait a second... while I... reassemble my intestines... and reorganize my internal organs... I feel very bad right now.

Trideos: So do I.

LGM: You all look like I just gave you bad grades or something. Was it really that horrible?

Everyone in audial range: Worse!

WooHoo: Well, the technobabble canīt be worse than the experience. Letīs hear it.

LGM: As predicted, experimental evasive manouvre AirOutOfTheBalloon was a totall success. 5618 beamed a well shaken bottle of Pepsi directly into the warpcores antimatterstream and for 7.47 seconds we reached the explosive burpspeed of 9.999947. Furthermore we did so with absolutely no steering controll what so ever. If we ourselves canīt control were we are going, neither can any enemy ship. So for a period approximately that long, we canīt be targeted in a combat situation. Like I said, it was a total success!

WooHoo: Thatīs a matter of opinion, or an antimatter maybe.

Anubis: Right now, I donīt think being targeted would be such a bad thing.

Dougyo: I might have to go and reincarnate myself if we ever do this again. May I be pre-excused if so?

WooHoo: Quiet! I wanna hear from the observation shuttle.

Robwood: (on screen): I can confirm all of that. For 7.47 seconds the USS Sevilia was totally untrackable. According to my writings... ehhh... I mean readings, all is as it should be. However, there seem to be a strange visual effect on subdeck level. Some of the crewdeck windows have turned red.

LGM: It even became a 47 sighting. Oh boy mate! Boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! And Wow too!

WooHoo: OK! Robwood, you can come back in. Science, security, engine, anyone whoīs got anything on this red visual effect, report! Not as if we canīt guess (deep sigh) but letīs play it by the book.

[Sev]-Dummy (on screen): During the peak of this avasive PukeBox Manouvre there was a gravitational failure in the redshirt quarters. Ensign Obituary and ensign Wetspot are now wet spots on the windows down there.

LGM (a tiny bit grumpy): Itīs called evasive manouvre AirOutOfTheBalloon, you know.

Sinkau: We actually have an ensign Wetspot? I heard the name but for some reason I thought it was a behind-the-back nickname for Captain Big Mouth.

CBM: Yeah, so did I myself.

Sinkau: A wetspot?

MaryDee: I donīt wanna spot such here on the bridge!

Dave the Explosive Newt: Talk about setting this story queer...

CBM: Queer? Ohh, you mean straight? Very punny!

HirogenHunter: Look whoīs stalking now.

WooHoo: Shut up all of you! I want to...

e of Pi (over the comlink): Yes, Captain?

WooHoo (sighs): I said All of You, not E of Pi!

e of Pi: Sorry about that Captain.

WooHoo (sighs again): Iīm really glad we all have a shoreleave coming up after this. Iīll definitely need another three state re:union spree.

e of Pi: A three state reunion spree? I donīt think I know the recipe for that one. Is it a drink or some other kind of beverage Captain?

DtEN: As I heard it a free state grooming spree is more like it.

CBM: If she were more like Sesspit it would be a free state willing spree.

HirogenHunter: That reminds me. Dave, is everything ready for our three state killing spree?

DtEN: Almost. I have over 46 tons of ammo ready in my quarters.

Starseneyes (ironic): What a fascinating conversation. Men...

HirogenHunter (gives Starseneyes "the look"): Take me to lead or loose me forever.

DtEN: Ammo to that. Ehhh... I mean Amen.

Starseneyes (still ironic): Firestarters walk with me. Not!

WooHoo (angrily): What are you all talking about?

Anubis (trying to smooth things over): Captain, I sense you are troubled by a forkplay mode. Donīt let them get to you like this. They are just making puns out of your puppy love and some old familiar movie lines.

Trideos (mumbles a little too high): He shouldnīt have said that. Soon the full moodswing power of the spoon might come crashing down on Sevilia. Oh Ford, please be gentle!

DtEN: Thatīs not a forkplay. THIS is a forkplay!

He quickly draws a sharpened fork from out of somewhere and throws it straight through number one. Everyone look shocked as if they canīt believe their own eyes.

LGM: That ainīt nice, mate. You sure overstepped your bridge prerogatives now. And besides, noone here but me is allowed to spoof Crocodile Dundee lines.

DtEN: It was only one line!

Trideos: When a woman says "please be gentle" there shouldnīt be any more lines at all. You narf...

DtEN: No Maīam. From there on itīs all downhill with marriage and children and all that.

Anubis: (taps his combadge). Security team to the bridge. Officer need a "rest". Very much!

DtEN: Adios much-achos, Iīll be back!

Dougyo (picks up the fork and the victim): The fuzzy dice is all sliced Captain. The fork went straight through number one and cut it in half. I might be able to fix it with the reincarnation unit though. Should I make it so?

WooHoo: SHUT UP! SHUT UP FOR FORDS SAKE! Or Iīll have you all quartered by the meanest horses in hell. And have the IB-Police come in afterwards and give you a written exam on the knowledge of tupos. FAQ! FAQ! FAQ all of you!

Silence fall over the bridge as the crew becomes pale and hides out as best they can from this not so very PC outburst. Someone mumbles something along the lines of "Hell hath no fury like a woman" as the scene becomes a slow motion 360 degree circle circeling thingie. You know - like the one in "The Matrix". Suddenly all goes back to normal speed and the Red Alert signal is heard all over the ship for a few seconds. Everything when totally freezes (well, it is cold in space, isnīt it?) into slow motion again! After another bunch of few seconds the words BIOMEGA DIRECTIVE appears on the main screen, slow motion finally becomes slowmotionless, and the computers voice is heard.

Majel: The BIOMEGA DIRECTIVE is activated. All officers report to the officers lounge. The BIOMEGA DIRECTIVE is activated. All officers report to the officers lounge. The BIOMEGA DIRECTIVE etc...

SECOND SCENE: Anubis as acting captain is informing the now reduced and All Male Crew assembled in the officers lounge about the BIOMEGA DIRECTIVE. The female part of the crew are nowhere to be seen.

Anubis: Well, as you all understand it wasnīt easy for WooHoo to accept that the Biomega Directive not only overrides all other Sevfleet directives, but that it actually requires the captain, whether male or female, to secure all women onboard, including if so herself, by either heavy sedation or putting them into stasis before the computer would even release the tiniest bit of further information.

Joeno: How ever did you manage to persuade her into complaying to that?

Anubis: Well it wasnīt easy. But it was clearly by the Sevfleet regulation book and that helped, at least a little. And she was exhausted from that outburst I guess. Even so it did take a compromise. All women onboard except Sesspit and Chia Rhino are now behind unbreakable bars, in a PonyCamp Holosimulation with the cutest ponys ever digitalised.

CBM: Will there be Mustangs at that PonyCamp? I love Mustangs!

5618: Thatīs amore minor, you pack-man!

CBM: Well, it ainīt amore Escort. Iīll give you that.

HirogenHunter: Can I use that ponycamp simulation when all this is over?

P-feif: For what?

DtEN (points his finger like a pistol): What do you think?

Anubis: If you boys could let your toys rest for a second. We have an emergency here.

Leander: Why isnīt Sesspit and Chia Rhino with the others?

Corsair: Because they caused all this. And because they most propably are dead!

Leander: What?!?!?

5618: The Rhino has kicked the bucket?

Anubis: This is what we think happened: During the experimentation with evasive manouvre AirOutOfTheBalloon, Sesspit and Chia Rhino was happily and unknowingly doing some experimenting on their own. They were trying to create an ever-ever-everlasting hairspray by mixing technobabblestableised antimatter with ozone gas. When the ship reached burpspeed 9.999947 it also, in a matter of way, or speech, touched burpspeed 10.00 and that somehow partly unstableised the stableised antimatter and caused an interdimensional reaction with the ozone gas and the hairspray. The following implosion/explosion created what is called the Biomega Particle. The ships sensors picked up on them and that triggered this Red Alert that we are still under.

The Great Wizzard: So what is this Biomega Particle?

Dr Jonas Bashir: And what does it do?

24/7: And why is it so dangerous?

CBM (fighting back the tears): And what happened to Sesspit and Chia Rhino?

Anubis: The information you are about to receive is very special and will be hypnotically removed then all this is over. Consider it as given on a Need To Know For A Short While basis. Anyone trying to leave this ship from now on will be immediately and totally blasted away! Furthermore, the computer have already overloaded and disabled the reincarnation unit and the main engines, including the interdimensional warp core.

TGW: So thatīs why computers are offline and nothing happens when I try to tamper with them.

[Sev]-Dummy: I can confirm parts of that. I have been on those problems since the computers frooze our position. For some reason we are all sitting ducks out here. And there is nothing I can do about it. Every single command code and every single power conduit have been corrupted by the now almighty computer.

Anubis: Including the self destruct program! That too is in the hands of our own personal little HAL. Either this thing is solved or noone will get out alive. We have a serious situation here folks, and I have already given the Security Chief the full info.

Corsair (proudly flashes a bunch of secret papers over his head): The Biomega Particle is a fourdimensional or even multidimensional pheromone so powerful that it actually rewerse time, making the person exposed to it years younger.

LGM: That doesnīt sound so bad.

Corsair: It wouldnīt be if it werenīt for the psychological effect it has on the minds of women of all species. Just knowing it excist cause an unresistable urge to go get it. There are archeological findings that suggests evidence that it has already destroyed large spacetravelling civilizations throughout our quadrant at least twice. Whole planets have been abandoned by their entire population of females. Governements have been overthrown and all natural resources have been dried up and used to build ships. In this Biomega Particle report some scientist even speculate that the enourmous amount of invanding women have turned the planets where the Biomega Particle was created at those times, into black holes, collapsing under their own weight.

e of Pi: The phenomenon of women gaining weight suddenly gets a new meaning...

The ZZ Top song "Planet of women" is suddenly heard through the loudspeakers. Everyone look surprised at each other. Except LGM.

LGM: Never mind that. I just thought that this ship needed a soundtrack now and when so I installed some old MP3:s on the servers. Letīs move on.

Anubis: Unfortunately our problem is double. Because of the large amount of Biomega Particles we now are being exposed to, in this not so very large area that is a ship, the effect from the particle will be larger than life, literally.

Joeno: Meaning...?

Anubis: Unless we can come up with a cure, or a way to reverse the effect of these Biomega Particles, we will all die of young age very soon. Right now we are all becoming younger by the minute, or to be precise, we are all growing approximately one year younger per every two standard hours. Even §Sean§ is already physically speaking a sub-thirty man.

LGM: Hurray! Ehhh... wait... I mean...

Corsair: As for Sesspit and Chia Rhino they took a full load immediatelly and vanished on the spot. Physically they are totally gone. All that is left is a strange subspaceparticle shining light in their quarters. We think it is the glint in their fathersīs eyes.

CBM: I knew it. Do not underestimate the power of that glint!

Anubis: And do not underestimate the lack of time here. In a matter of hours this ship will litterally turn into a kindergarten. A few hours later only LGM and 24/7 will be left to save the day. And a few hours after that, when there no longer are any lifesigns onboard, the computer will go for selfdestruction and hurl itself and the ship into the nearest star - which by a freak coincidence happens to be Alpha Mhale 1 - so that no evidence can ever be found.

LGM: Yeah Mates. Donīt worry. Old farts die hard you know.

24/7: Yeah Man! We over-aged ones will fix this mess for you down under. Or wherever anyone here comes from.

Anubis: Nethertheless, as acting captain I have decided to use a new experimental option that can only be activated during this specific situation. In that report (he points to Corsairs papers) it tells about a hidden emergency holographic program, placed in the computers of every sevship, designed to help out in crisis situations like this.

HirogenHunter: Why has it been hidden and why now? Why not before?

Anubis: Well, it’s a sevilised version of an already uncomplete version of an alien software lifeform. An Ancient Confuzzling Spiritual Guide that calls itself "Know 1 can hear you dream".

LGM: Ancient?

Anubis: Yes! It is even older than you §Sean§.

LGM: Hurray! I will not be the Oldest Sevilian any more!!!

Robwood: So whatīs the catch?

Anubis: Apparently it speaks very cryptic most of the time, has a fixation with The Borg Collective as the ultimate spacetravelling lifeform and once activated it canīt be controlled by someone else than itself.

e of PI: So whatīs the catch?

Anubis: Besides that there are no guaranties that it will actually be of help? Well, noone knows for sure but it seems that even turned off its not completely turned off. It will know things stored on our computers and it will know things about us, like it was one of the crew.

Leander: Great. Itīs not even activated yet and it has already taken over my job.

Corsair: Severation scientists think that those aliens came up with a way to create Artificial Intelligens in an unactivated hologram. Itīs not unlikely you know. Voyagers Emergency Medical Hologram became conscious, itīs just the next step beyond that.

Anubis: Besides, since the implosion/explosion was at least in some part interdimensional and the computer is blocking all incoming as well as outgoing messages, we donīt even know what universe this is. We need all the help we can get. Even if itīs weird help and comes through in some bizarre way.

Corsair: Right now we have no clue whatsoever if this is our normal sunnybringing glitchliker universe. It might as well be the funnybringing hitchhiker universe or the honeybringing pitchmiker universe.

P-feif: Yo, man!

LGM (with a rap): Sheīs not here, remember?

DtEN: If this is the bunnybringing bitchbiker universe I sure hope they have no PC-directive here.

e of Pi: If itīs the moneybringing richkiker universe I would like to have my shoreleave here before we go home.

LGM (sighs): Goodbye continuity and logic.

e of Pi: We never really opened hailing frequensis to them anyway.

Corsair: As I tried to say; We donīt know where or when we are. The good news is that this possibly interdimensional relocation will take care of all problems with continuity. All you continuity junkies and nitpickers have a huge fix right there. All that happens from now on is canon, regardless of normal logic.

HirogenHunter: Thatīs some loose canon Iīd say.

Anubis: Well, we survived CBMīs and DtENīs eruptions so far and they are as hang loose canon as they come.

LGM: So even if we mess up reality enough thatīs no problem because that will just make continuity an anomaly? Thatīs great! It means I wonīt have to sort episodes in any kind of order.

5618: My limited threedimensional human brain actually think that makes some sort of sense. We might be locked in space but weīre not lost in the time-space-money-continuum.

CBM (with a voice that suddenly changes into a prepuberty tone): Yada, yada, yada, yoda, yoda, yoda. Lets activate the damn thing. Time is running out while we speak. Aspecially for me you know.

Anubis pushes a few buttons on the captainīs palmpad and suddenly "Know 1 can hear you dream" appears over the table, spinning like a wheel on a roulette. When he finally slows down and stops - upside down - it is discovered that he looks like Jason from those Friday the 13:th movies. DtEN, HirogenHunter and Dr Jonas Bashir quickly draws their weapons and start shooting. All the bullets goes straight through as K1chyd is a hologram but Joeno and Anubis are hit instead and directly drops dead in their seats. DJB are shot dead by Corsair - trying to stop all three of the shooters - who in his turn are heavily winged by Dave before his ammo runs out. CBM saves an uncounterable number of the officers by knocking HirogenHunter out from behind with a Quickie-Mart package. Things calm down to dead calm and everyone looks at K1chyd who is slowly assuming an upright position. The whole thing was really a little bit too bloody and stupid but since there hadnīt been any action secuences since the beginning of the opening scene, it was necessary.

K1chyd: As an Ancient Confuzzling Spiritual Guide I am used to a farenheited welcome. Just not lead hot.

DtEN: Who are you? And why are you dressed like that?

K1chyd: I am the Ancient Confuzzling Spiritual Guide Hologram but you can call me "Know 1 can hear you dream". As for the war drobe, I was testing out a new approach to get The Borg Collective to assimilate me when you NRA-activists activated me.

e of Pi: What? The Borg? Why?

K1chyd: Heīs on third of infinite. Assevtion was that as a hockeyplayer I would look scary enough to be worthy of assimilation. (Changes to look like a Vorlon). Does this suits you better?

LGM (raises his voice after having checked Anubisīs pulse): It seems like Iīm the senior officer now. And - I guess - the one most likely to be the last one crawling towards his natural death of young age. So Iīm assuming command. (Turns to K1chyd). How much do you know of our situation?

K1chyd: I have been able to monitor everything onboard since the Biomega Directive was activated. And I have know ledge of everything in your computers. Including the 47 Terrabytes of pictures of Sesspit and Chia Rhino that are cloaked in a lot of the personal files.

LGM: I hereby assume possesion of those pictures as well as the Captaincy! And if I ever find out who took or set those pictures into circulation, or even seen them, heīs gonna have to talk to the headmaster back at Sevfleet HQ about it.

Everyone else looks a bit guilty and the sound of clearing throats can be heard. Suddenly the loudspeakers are clearing their throat too and a bizarre medley of Shaggys "It wasnīt me" and the Egyptian national hymn is heard.

Robwood: Computer, end music!

LGM: That one wasnīt mine. I never heard it before!

K1chyd: Know thy self from rathers you shall.

Corsair: Do you have any suggestions on what we shold do about our current situation?

K1chyd: Suggestion is a three syllable word.

LGM: Is it really necessary to keep Captain WooHoo and the others locked in on the Holodeck?

K1chyd: If you go to Wow-Wow-Ponycamp you will cry.

LGM: So they must remain behind bars?

K1chyd: A box of chocolates is like going to a bar. All the good ones are already taken and all that is left is the liquourfilled slimy ones in the corners.

LGM: Speaking of corners. Doesnīt this story need to cut some now and move on to another scene?

K1chyd: That depends...

And with that question hanging in the air as a lame cliffhanger the picture fades out. There are a lot of open questions to be answered in part 2. Will K1chyd be able to help? Is his crypticism just a cover for senility? Will the effects of the Biomega Particle be reversed or will USS Sevilia turn into a kindergarten? If it does, will Sevilians die in spectacular ways or just fade away? Will the evasive manouvre AirOutOfTheBalloon come to use again in this episode or will the kindergarten kiddies-to-be drink all the Pepsi? Will the Reincarnation Unit be repaired or will dead Sevilians remain dead? Will all the men be able to resist the temptation to leak about their situation to the outer world and have billions and billions of women storming towards their position? Will this rant ever end? Well I think it just did. Letīs move on to commercial. This time itīs something about an upcoming movie about a conscious zit, directed by admiral JC himself...

OPENING SCENE: Due to budget cuts there are no fancy special effects this time. Just a simple rehash of the last two lines from part 1.

LGM: Speaking of corners. Doesnīt this story need to cut some now and move on to another scene?

K1chyd: That depends...

LGM: That depends on what?

K1chyd: On how much time will you waste talking to me.

CBM: He's right... I'm starting to have a strange feeling...

DtEN: That's funny. I've never seen anyone hitting puberty BACKWARD.

LGM: No time for that. K1chyd, what are you suggesting?

K1chyd: He who is not spoken of is not he who is not here.

TGW: Me not get that I not...

24/7: I think this Yoda act is contagious too.

K1chyd: Never got up. Never contender.

e of Pi: I think I got it... Oh no...

Everyone simultaniously: Dr. Chris!!!

The camera - which because of the budgetcuts is suddenly a handheld one like the ones in the Blair Witch movie - then follow all the remaining officers as they run through the corridors. They all end up in the R U Sickbay. (Pronounced; Are You Sickbay).

LGM: Quick! Open the back door!

DtEN: Ay, Captain.

Dave takes a trout out of his pants and starts whacking the door, but nothing happens.

HirogenHunter: You canīt handle the trout.

LGM: You could just press the opening pad, you know.

24/7: Weird. All the time I've been on the Sevilia and I never noticed that door.

[Sev]-Dummy: I think you have. I think that maybe we all have. We just never opened it before because of that N/T sign that someone carved into it.

The loudspeakers once again comes alive with the sound of music. "Row, row, row your boat" is heard throughout the room.

Everyone simultaniously: Computer, Shut up!

The door finally opens and behind it there is a man sitting behind a table. The man looks like he didn't shave in years. His hair is long and his beard is reaching the ground. He starts to talk when LGM starts talking to him:

LGM: Dr. Chris... You.. You...

Dr. Chris: Yep. I was here. I was here since the USS Sevilia left Earth for the first time. Once we got on board, I entered this room to store some ear-drops, and the door looked behind me. I couldn't open it. Majel didn't answer my cries for help. And nobody came in.

24/7: We didn't need ear-drops.

Dr. Chris: That was why I was storing them back here. Dúúh! That, and so that there would be more room for zit-paste in regular R U Sickbay. Anyhow, I had no choice but to stay here and therefore Iīve been lurking here since then. I sat my hopes that you would eventually find me.

DtEN: But how did you survive?

Dr. Chris: Oh, that's nothing. I used the medical replicator to make some food and water and even air and I used the same technics used by many sevfleet officers before me and didn't go to the bathroom for months. I kept myself busy by working on the hall of fame and by giving proper credits for ideas. I got to the middle of it by now. I started to think you forgot about me.

e of Pi: We kinda did.

K1chyd: He who got stuck got stuck he got.

Dr. Chris: Who is this idiot?

LGM: Coherently challenged individual if you please. And he is the new standard equipment CGI for this episode.

e of Pi. Coherently Goofy Individual fits better with CGI.

Dr. Chris: I have to say Iīm sorry I guess. I was sure that PC-frenzy would be over by now since I been in here such a very long time. But I understand from your reaction that it isnīt. The world is still a PC dump, right?

e of Pi: Right! PC seems to be as everlasting as spam.

[Sev]-Dummy: Please donīt mention those two words in the same sentence.

Dr. Chris (drooling): Spaaam...

K1chyd suddenly changes his apperence and turns into The Grim Reaper in front of Dr. Chris. Heīs no longer a hologram CGI though, but an ordinary actor with a bad make up and cheap clothing. More budget cuts in progress.

THE GRIM REAPER: WHATīS UP DOC? DON’T YOU RECOGNIZE ME OLD FRIEND? WE MET BEFORE. IN SICKBAYS ALL OVER THE QUADRANT. I HAVE A PLACE RESERVED FOR YOU IN MY OWN HALL OF FAME.

Dr. Chris: Dammit Bones! Iīm a doctor and a file-agent. Not a psychic and an X-files agent!

The Sickbay loudspeakers kickstarts with the refrain of Britney Spears "Ooops, I did it again" but this time it becomes to much. Everyone armed reaches for their trouts and starts smashing randomly at the parts of the cealing and the walls where the sound seems to be coming from. When dust and dirt and smoke finally settles Dr Chris has been informed about the situation. At least it says so on a handwritten piece of cardboard that is held up in front of the camera. Budget cuts again.

Dr. Chris: So everybody is getting younger?

e of Pi: I see how you passed med school.

Dougyo: I sense a sudden urge for Pokémon toys.

CBM: Me too.

Dr. Chris: I see. This IS serious.

LGM: Now, and when I think about it... You were here, locked and isolated from the rest of the ship, right?

Dr. Chris: I guess so.

DtEN: So...

Dr. Chris: I wasn't exposed to the Biomega Particles, and now that I got free, the ship has already been decontaminated! Hence, I won't be getting younger! Fascinating...

e of Pi: Great. So we'll still have one crewmember who won't die from young age. But how does that help us?

Dr. Chris: You forget I'm a doctor. I'll be able to find a cure, somehow.

LGM: About that decontamination thing...

Everyone else simultaniously: Ohh, Smeg!!!

THE GRIM REAPER: THE BIOMEGA PARTICLE CANīT BE DECONTAMINATED. BUT YOU SMEGHEADS FORGOT TO EVEN TRY. AND NOW DR CHRIS TOO WILL FACE MINE SCYTHE. BWAHAHAHAHAHA.

K1chyd suddenly changes back to the Vorlon lock from earlier. But this time heīs almost unmoving and very two-dimensional and badly edited. Another budget cut.

K1chyd: By a little time you did. Start the work you can. Finished by the doctor or the old farts you may be.

e of Pi: Guys, I think that we should start working on the cure before we'll have a kindergarten to deal with. Perhaps we could make Sev Forward our HQ? Spam is good for thought.

Dr. Chris: I was going "there" before you know, when this coherently challenged individual took the words right out of my mouth. Now I wanna put some spam in it. I have almost forgot how it tastes like.

e of Pi: Great! Let's get there. Nanoprobe?

Nanoprobe (over the comlink): Yes sir?

e of Pi: We're coming to the Mess Hall. Prepare a full batch of spam for our guest. Spam spam spam baked beans spam spam bologna spam rocky road spam spam spam lobster spam brown ketchop spam chives spam and dolphin free tuna.

Dr. Chris: Sounds yummy.

SECOND SCENE OF PART 2: During an approximately 30 seconds long scene with no multimedia action at all, not even a handwritten cardboard, just a teal-coloured picture wherever you look, the voice of the Narrator is heard. Budget cuts beyond control.

Narrator: Itīs a couple of hours later and the ship is now filled with approximately five-year-old male redshirts playing hide-and-seek. Since most of them redshirts where even younger than the rest of the crew they hit kindergarteness first and most of the ship is now a mess of pokémon toys, drool, LEGO and stinky diapers. All "mysteriously" materialised... (Clearing throat). Yeah Right. As if! ...the quarters of ThunderDragon. CBM, DtEN and HirogenHunter have given up on finding a solution and decided to use their last hours, and the ongoing hide-and-seek, for a shoot-them-up orgy. TGW and Robwood are already dead because of a freak accident which occurred when P-feif got a must-do-urge to un-learn how to bike. Various child-diseases have sent others to R U Sickbay, or rather to bed early without spam as R U Sickbay is no longer managed by an adult crew. Barricaded in the Mess Hall, still fighting to find a solution, and still consuming various spamsnacks, are Dr Chris, LGM, e of Pi, [Sev]-Dummy, 5618, Leander, Dougyo, 24/7 and the Ancient Confuzzling Spiritual Guide to the Galaxies; K1chyd.

Dr. Chris: This new mark of fresh pressed garlic and spam-juice is the best thing I tasted in ages!

K1chyd: Repentless, resentless, were those who came of age.

5618: If only we could understand his language. But itīs like talking to a swede.

e of Pi: Damn those Vikings!

Dr. Chris: That reminds me... Hey, e of Pi, send me some more of that swede and spam pie.

e of Pi: Iīm sorry, but K1chyd took the last best piece of it B4. I didnīt know that a hologram could eat. And I still donīt know how he did it. It looked like it just vanished and disapperad. Would you care for some spam and horta-egg omelette instead? I just made it. It tastes great. Tastes like Chia Rhino!

24/7: We have Horta eggs in the fridge?

e of Pi: No, but we had a Horta on the Animal Farm Deck. A very young Horta. The biological clock move backwards down there too you know. I thought it would be a vaste not to use the opportunity to find out if it has a unique destinctivness, like that unique animal itself.

LGM (ironically, when angrily): Before little DtEN found it and thought that it was a gift from the Easter Bunnies... Good Thinking. NOT! Listen up people! We are about to die and you are throwing a spam and egg party! What the shell is wrong with you? Letīs move on!

K1chyd: A Shell-shock for thy tounge shall be a Hell-shock to thy nostrils! (He stops talking but a sound similar to old moviestyle powercorrupt scientists laughing madly can be heard). Bwahahahahahahahaha.wav

LGM (sighs): Sounds promising. I think Iīll pass.

Dr. Chris (with an upset voice): Iīll take back my apology. This hologram IS an imbecile! That is now my clinical diagnosis. And I donīt care whether it is PC or not! Just throw me an apple and Iīll manage on that for the time being. And I will serpently not credit anyone for this un-scientific psychic weirdo.

[Sev]-Dummy: Cheesus! Imbe-Chill will you! You need to get back to R U Sickbay RSN and treat yourself with a sedative.

Dr. Chris: As chief medical officer I decide whether or not a cheese is taken to R U Sickbay!

24/7: I think it is the tension of being thrown into the complete narf of a downcoming near-birth-experience. I think it is beginning to get to all of us.

K1chyd: Cheese in our time is not abailable beyounder the pharaos royal barge.

Dr. Chris: Another load of royal garbage from the king of oral tupo monstruosities. Well, at least heīs succinct.

[Sev]-Dummy: Wait a minute now! Just wait a minute! We should be able to get that one. "Not abailable beyounder the pharaos royal barge". Not available be you under a ship owned by a pharao. Not available if you are under a boat that is most probably on the Nile. Not available if you are in the water of the Nile. Not available if you are in the Nile...

LGM (gets all fired up): Not available if you are in DENIAL! Not available if you are in DENIAL! Weīre finally getting somewhere! That must be it. Johan, you are quite the codebreaker here. If we get out of this alive I will award you with another Golden Tribble Award. One made out of solid, golden, tribblepressed Latinum! (He turns to K1chyd): We got you now, donīt we? You coherently challenged oarsman!

[Sev]-Dummy: I think that rather itīs about telling the solid truth, or something like that. You know, The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

K1chyd: The truth ainīt big enough for the trout of us.

LGM (still all fired up): Fishes live in the Nile too. It could also be something along the lines of the trout, the whole trout and nothing but the trout...

Narrator: Suddenly another song meant to be on the soundtrack compilation comes on through the loudspeakers of the now Messy Hall. Well, it should have but the record was never bought. It should have been a Golden Oldie from the Sixties; The Rolling Stones and their original version of "Jumping Jack Flash". I donīt know why but for some reason the script also states that I have to tell you that in an alternate universe where everything is completely opposite and the room now should have been filled with depressed moodswinging women it should have been "I canīt get no satisfaction" instead. Ohh, and the Messy Hall should have been mentioned as the Missy Hall.

K1chyd: Rolling Stones? When there is Motörhead! This eppy will surtainly not be a Bomber Hit.

Everyone looks at K1chyd. And surprised.

Dougyo: Maybe weīre breaking down his crypticism. That was normal talk. Think you guys.Think hard!

[Sev]-Dummy: We need some hot Java to clear our headers and get us out of this Sevlebrity Deathmatch. E of Pi, are you feeling up to it. Fix me up with eight cups of the captains strongest beverage.

e of Pi: Iīll make that ten cups just in case. Eight of ten for Us. One of ten for the Narrator and another one of ten for K1chyd in case he can defloat as well as devour. That will make a perfect fit Ten out of Ten.

Leander: Iīm feeling dizzy. Suddenly you are the most fuzzy and unlogical person in this room. This Kosh and Yoda act of K1chyd:s are way to contagious. Are you guys sure weīre not fighting the wrong disease?

e of Pi: Fuzzy logic is irrelevant. You will adapt. Nano! Nano! This is Mork of Ork from Unimatrix Babylon Zero calling planet Houston. Come in Houston. Or come out. Wherever you are. All work and no Sev makes BorgBoy a DullBoy. All work and no Sev makes BorgBoy a DullBoy. Lizzy Borden took an axe. Gave the PSI-Core fourtie whacks. When she saw what she had done. She gave the PSI-Core fourtieseven ones. And by the Big Factory Hammer of Grabthar I will avenge Them Aliens and abduct the little green women of Naboo. Darth Vader kan kiss my Sev. Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

5618: Cheesus! If ever an irrational Borg had an overdose from assimilated information. Heīs gone postal-decisional now.

Dr. Chris (stating the blatantly obvious): From this Iīll make the scientific assumption that those Horta eggs are highly hallucinogenic. If heīd been a little older he might have known that a lot of things from back when are. I remember Woodstock 67, Sevstock 68, Sickbay 69, Lockstock 70, Highway 71, Smokescreen 72. Cheesus! Those weīre the happy days.

LGM: "Sickbay 69". Suddenly the PC directive is just plain gone.

24/7: Iīll take those two Cheesusīs to R U Sickbay before this becomes a tower of PsychoBabel that noone understands.

Leander: Iīm really feeling sick. I might have to join you.

5618: Me too. This period of periodic JMS-like references are more confuzzling than a period of PMS-like selfrightiousness. I cannae take much more Captain. And that is the days truth.

K1chyd: Fight the good fight and stillborn deceased you will to be or not to be.

Dr. Chris (ironically): You havenīt heard Shakespeare until you have heard it in original Confuzzloff. Stillborn deceased my Sev. Something is rutten in the state of Denmark.

LGM: We need to find that truth or trout or whatever it is RSN. I suggest we start with an attempt at the truth since the PC Directive already has departed like a rat from a sinking ship. Weīre probably gonna die so thereīs no use in holding back. Guys, from now on you can say whatever you want. Whatever you feel like.

Leander: Well, what Iīm feeling is an urge to tell you about that mouldy smell of yours that began a couple of minutes ago. Whatīs that smell? Where you a teenage bedwetter or something? Itīs smells worse than teen spirit. It smells like rutten eggs, week old shrimps, spam wok and passed beans. Have you passed an old fart?

LGM: Yes Leander, I am your farter!

K1chyd: So close you are, so close. Itīs an old spice. Canīt you smell it?

[Sev]-Dummy: Wait a minute! Again! Wait just a second. For the sake of Sev. My clock begins ticking now. WooHoo has told me about some ancient swede legends. Viking legends.

K1chyd: Those that are pronounced wrong holds the key.

5618: The key to what?

K1chyd: The key to eternal life.

Dougyo: The only one who are being pronounced wrong that I know of is Thr... Tr... Drac... Draakhellian.

LGM: Hardly be the holder of the solution to this he can be... Damn... this Kosh and Yoda act IS contagious. (He smacks himself over the head with a trout). Sure, heīs a snotnosed ambitious lowdeck brat who wanna be an officer RSN, but right now as we speak heīs probably already drooling around in diapers somewhere on the ship.

24/7: That was a bit harsh! Youīre overdoing it §Sean§ and Dhraakboy surteenly didnīt deserve THAT. I never thought Iīd say this but maybe the PC Directive isnīt such a bad idea after all. Someone should come up with a PC redescription of that down under the belt description. Youīre falling down juvenile yourself now. Fight back the years. Fight, fight, fight! This ainīt over yet and we all need you.

Leander: I can see dead zits! Coming back to life. On §Sean§īs face.

K1chyd: Those, not The. Pronounced wrong they are. Those Us Guards.

[Sev]-Dummy: Those who guard us? Those us guards? Those Asgards!!!!! I got it, I got it. Itīs a reference to the Asgards!! You know, like in StarGate. A reference to the Vikings!!!

e of Pi (suddenly snapping out of his craze): What?

K1chyd: Heīs on Star Base 47.

e of Pi: Who?

K1chyd: Heīs on seven of nine. As you wish you were. Another Borg outside the collective.

e of Pi: What?

K1chyd: See other side for further information.

[Sev]-Dummy: Yes, Yes, Yes!!! I definitely got it now. The Vikings had the key to eternal life. It was at their afterlife at Valhalla something. They died every night and came to life again each morning.

LGM: I know! Iīve been to Denmark! And the Vikings all fed on a pig that lived the same way. A pig that was resurrected the same way so that they could eat it over and over and over. A pig that lived forever even though they ate it every single day.

Everyone else simultaneously: Just like SPAM!!!!!

e of Pi: Spam, spam, spam, wonderful spam, lovely spam, viking spam, savior spam. (Heīs quiet for a few seconds). Iīd never thought I hear myself say THAT.

24/7: Could it be that Spam is the cure against the Biomega Particels?

Everyone hastily grabs their try-corders and begins to do readings over the spam smorgasboard they still surround in the Mess Hall. As the results are becoming visual to them they all cheer up.

LGM: Look! The spam particels are totally uneffected by the Biomega Particels. In fact, it seems like they are even attracting the Biomega Particels and are killing them. The concentration of Biomega Particels around this instant spam here (just add water) must be higher than anywhere else on the ship!

24/7: We should have known it. Not even particels from time-altering dimensions can effect the core substances of spam! Spam is unkillable. It will last forever. When the universe dies there will still be spam around with an Express Outlook over the subtractions.

LGM: So how can we turn this to our advantage? Or rather, how can we turn this to our advance?

K1chyd: Know thy self from rathers you shall. Before so I have spoken. Merember?

Dougyo: That line is belcomed wack, Iīd say. Never before have I been so glad to be... ehhh... spamed with a reincarnated line of subject. We definitely must be on the right track here!

Narrator: Youīd better be īcos thereīs only 5.47 minutes left of this episode.

Dougyo: How the FAQ do you know that!?

K1chyd: Deus ex machina. Maximus speedicus solve.

Narrator: Well, I have this edited on set little important piece of the script that says so.

LGM: And I have this little red pencil meant for seeking out mistakes and to boldly throw some corrective spelling upon tupos and plotholes from out of where no pupil or writer has gone before.

5618: Baldly?

LGM: Hardly!

Dr. Chris (now back to his usual calm): We have to duplicate and fill the entire ship with spam.

K1chyd: On those intellectual hights the air is thin as an un-winded flagshipped captainīs hair.

5618: We still have to be able to breath!

Dr. Chris: We have to create a breathable spam-oxygene atmosphere.

e of Pi: Is that possible?

Leander: I think the Old Fart Himself proved that just a couple of minutes ago.

Everyone else (disgusted): Eeeeeeeeuuuuuhhhhhhh...

LGM: When I said "Old Farts Die Hard" in Part 1 of this story, I didnīt mean it that literally!

[Sev]-Dummy: Itīs OK. Think of it as having a fart of gold.

Dr. Chris: Luckily that atmosphere can be credited to me... ehhh... I mean created by me, in sufficient quantities quiet easily, without passing through a human body first.

Dougyo: Yes! Itīs a medical half-secret, but a spam-oxygene atmosphere is actually a part of the technobabblion containment wombfield inside the Reincarnation Unit. I have tons of the instant chemical mix needed. Itīs stored halfway between the RU and the R U Sickbay. The RU may be down but we can massproduce it in the R U Sickbay too.

The picture changes and the Narrator is heard while everybody else is seen once again running to the R U Sickbay where the usual unlimited technobabble begins.

Narrator: Since budget numbers now are as red as an Even Numbered Trek Movieīs Red Alert Sign is a good sign, this is a re-use of the previous running scene. Unfortunately that scene included both some officers and some redshirts that are supposed to be either dead or substancially more juveniled at this stage. Hence we have a very large plothole here. Unexplainable as it is, that cheap blooper still went through syndicated post-productional editing un-noticed. I think they deliberately have planed it to become a household landmark for nitpickers for years to come. You know what I mean: A plothole so obvious that it will be spoofed in movies and cartoons all over the world. Perhaps finally even making it into an X-Files episode where the Lone Gunmen will claim that the real truth behind all those budgetcuts and the final blooper in part two where to distract the audiene from noticing and dissing the lame ending, not really explaining how the RU came back online, if the informed officers ever was hypnoticed to forget, or even how everyone got their previous age back before the very short and moral-less final scene.

FINAL SCENE: The crew is back on the bridge. Everyone is busy at their posts. Captain WooHoo and first officer Anubis are having the fade-out-and-then-over-to-credits-followed-by-commercials talk.

Anubis: Weīre back to normal. Thank Ford.

WooHoo: Yes. Life will find a way, time and again. Hand me a Pepsi will you.

Narrator: As you can almost see clearly here the picture fades and when changes to another picture of much higher quality. The handheld camera ran out of film so the last ten lines had to be forwarded to another script. The much higher quality pic is of course the one ending all the episodes. The one where the ship sets sail into the sun-set and takes aim on the second star to the right. Strangly enough it came back from post-production with another soundfile than the usual wibbley-woobley dot wav. This time the sailing into the sun-set is soundtracked by a familiar tune from the Luke Luckily Old West, themeatically updated though as it goes;

"A textological distinctiveness that will be added to our own. Resistance is futile" - Second of All, the Borg Unimatrix.

"Totally irrelevant. Assistance is futile" - Hugh, the I Borg Solitaire.

"It can only be worse from now on. I lore my expectations" - Nano Nanonian Soong, the Beta Release.

"Once a season there comes a déjà vu like this" - the Subspace Anomaly.

"Take me to red and alert me forever" - Girlie Girdle, the Topgun Eyecandy.

"A yellow que-brick road for year 2001 succeess" - Hairy Spitter, the Monolith Toucher.

"Strike 4" - Set Ontenn, the Labour Superbowler.

"It was to our liking" - Lady Deed, Queen Victorias Secret.

"Two layers of absortion" - Vannphing Erupthere, the Daily roll of Paper.

"When the phantom farts, break, wind and fire stands still" - Diana Walker, the Bengali Herald Tribune.

"Only the strong will survive" - Mr Eveil Phleander, the Zīhaīdum Lurker.

"Makes one wish that Smellovision will never be invented" - T Rex Rectumnail, the Daily Nitpicker.

"Makes one wish that Smellovision will be invented RSN" - Rose Butterfinger, Proctology Today.

"A tombstone for good taste" - Wynot Burp, www.okcorralholiday.doc

"Open all days 0.0 - 0.9" - Ensign Ondewall, the Midnight Bar.

"Yo, Mother! Break a log" - Ripley Cheestburst, the Midnight Starbase.

"A thrilling spinoff from reality" - Airmale Jorden, the Coherent Post.

"Ehhh... as we say... you know man... ehhh... what was I thinking... ehhh... and whereīs that bar anyway" - Zaphod Babblepost, the Incoherent Rant.

"Perfectly coherent" - Admiral Rerelaxative, the Kremnin Times.

"Well, that was it" - Chronos de Javu, the Biweekly Omega.

"Get a life will ya!" - Hairpeas Fourheed, Soldier of fourtyseven Tunes.

"Whereīs that spoon when you need it?" - Mike NīHoney, the Troutigal Sun.

"The litter is back in literature" - Umberto Eco-Eco-Eco, Pulp Fiction Magazine.

"Itīs litterature all right. But not as we know it" - Drafor de Mighty, the Sundaydwarf Star.

"Itīs all downhill from here" - Benny Heel, the Standard Orbit Decline.

"Will that be all?" - Pimpled Teen, the Cash Registrator.

"Frankly speaking, my name is Frank" - Frank de Borg, the Orangecounty Sesspit.

"Veni, Vidi, Vodka" - Rascal Putin, Pravda.

"Biship to B5" - Vaclav Aussie, the Check Mate Mutant.

"47 visitors served and still counting" - Honeyball de Flector, the Transylvanian Counter.

"Who? Why? What? Iīm Worried!" - Al Freddo, the Mutually Assured Destruction.

"Navegare necessare est" - Max Brutus Keelhauler, the Latin Loudspeaker.

"They are playing our song" - Sonnet Rue, the Rolling Stones.

"Confuzzling it is" - Imperial Yodamaster, the Tatooine Weakly.

"Faster than the spoon of life" - Neo Vortex, the Dayafter Tomorrow.

"An ugly bag of mostly squatters" - Tunnelvision Crapdigger, the Horta Survivor.

"Thereīs grave danger AND thereīs womb danger. Jack Nicholsev was wrong" - Magister Dixit, the Other Kind.

"The juryīs still out on this one" - Ally McTeal, Sueīs Daily Diary.

"I feel like forming a congaline" - Tap Stumblefoot, the Daily Vision Quest.

"Only time will tell if this stands the test of ditto" - James Pinkyfield, the Celesttune Vision.

"A story that goes totally postal" Gho Daily, the Mail Chauvinist.

"One CutīnīHaste too short" - KīBlah, the Daily Bloody Bathlet.

"You bastard! You didnīt kill Kermit!" - Itold Yoso, the Killed Messenger.

"A īshoot them upī too short" - Midge TīJones, the Vulcan Nanite.

"No evil aliens. No fragfests. No unmotivated sexscenes. I sleept right through it" - Grant Quake, the Felinoid Standard.

"Read my hips, no more sexscenes" - Pam Anderson, the Siliconvalley Sickbaywatcher.

"Bird, fish, or something lurking in between" - Rick T Router, the Cricket Shipmate.

"47 bottles of sev on the shelf, 47 bottles of sev..." - George Y Bush, the Whitehouse Conspiracist.

"A sevship in a bottle" - Seans Gallery, the Perth Surfer.

"A Big Bang of positive material" - Al Sevilia, the Sevageddon Outcome.

"Evaluation or Cancelation, that is the question" - Poor Yorick, the Kilroywas Herald.

"Adbuyer smiles is up, online time is up, toilet seats are up, characterbuilding IRL is down, and Dummy is possibly getting off. Docusoaps, eat your heart out" - Larsen Y Nielsen, the Nomora Survivor.

"From where noone has gone before! And you still canīt understand why weīre throwing a full body cavity search party on all the crew?" - Beavisen Trouthead, the Passport Gatekeeper.

"Iīll have him keelhauled for this! Without a spacesuit" - Becky WooHoo, Captainīs log, Stardate 74747.4.